


Remember me, Mr. Barba?

by MacPeeWee



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Other, Overdosing, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 10:42:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3566750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MacPeeWee/pseuds/MacPeeWee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barba is attacked and needs the help of the SVU, particularly Munch, to get through the following days and weeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction. I hope it's not terrible, although the subject matter is.  
> I haven't written anything in a long time, so helpful suggestions are welcomed!  
> Character thoughts are in italics.  
> Rape and assault of a main character.  
> Trigger warnings.  
> There will be more than one chapter.  
> Pretty graphic.  
> I wrote it because I think there needs to be more attention paid to men who are raped.

**Remember me, Mr. Barba?**

 

 

Barba was feeling as though this day would never end. He was thoroughly exhausted already and his day wasn't even close to being over. Glancing at his watch as he strode into the precinct he counted down the hours until he could be at home in bed. All he needed was a decent nights sleep. _It's 8:00 now, meeting with the SVU detectives shouldn't take more than an hour, then I can head home, work for another hour or two and finally get some sleep._ He groaned, sleep was a rare commodity for him these days. He needed sleep, or maybe a coffee. A coffee would be the pick up he needed right around now. _These long days are killing me._ Barba couldn't supress his yawn as he rode the elevator up to the squad room. _Hopefully this doesn't take too long_.

Barba tried his best to be attentive and insightful as he and the SVU discussed the particulars of their current case, but his stifled yawns and eye rubbing were giving him up.

"Barba, go home and get some rest. We can work this out in the morning," Benson practically ordered him.

He briefly considered her suggestion; he knew that it was probably wise advice, but decided against it. He wasn't the type of man to put off work until "tomorrow".

"I'll have time to sleep when I'm retired, sergeant." Barba reached his hands up to his face and massaged his temples. He met Benson's gaze directly and narrowed his eyes. "Besides, I only take orders from the D.A." he added, smiling. "However, I am going to get a coffee. Anyone else want anything?"

"Planning an all nighter counselor?" laughed Fin, as Munch wrote down the  squad's orders and handed it to him.

Barba left his briefcase on Fin's desk, slipped his jacket on and grabbed his cell phone as he politely declined Captain Cragens offer of cash.  

"Hey Barba," called Benson, "thanks!"

Barba turned and nodded at Benson and set on his way. He felt a pang of guilt over displaying his exhaustion in front of the squad. There they all were, still working, not complaining and surely they were tired as well. _You're not the only one with long days._

The outside air was cool and the recent rain left the air rather refreshing. It was just what he needed. Maybe he should try getting fresh air more often he pondered as he made his way to the closest coffee shop, just a few blocks away. Walking along the now quietened streets, he contemplated the case he was working on. It was complex and he was having an unusually difficult time figuring out how the D.A. wanted him to handle it. _It'll come to me_ , he reassured himself as he walked into the coffee shop and placed the order. _Damn!_   _How the hell am I going to walk with five coffees?_ Sighing to himself he flashed upon his previous thought that he should have just headed home instead. _Too late now_ , he lamented, as he clumsily balanced the fifth coffee on top the four sitting snuggly in the take-out tray and paid. He smiled and nodded thanks to the woman who held the door for him as he left the shop and began his walk back to work.

Striding carefully so not to splash any coffee on him, he had an odd sensation that he was being followed. He had noticed a man behind him on his way to pick up the coffee, and then thought he saw the same person across from the coffee shop on his way out. Now he thought he could hear footsteps behind him. _God_ , _now you're being ridiculous._  Nevertheless, he cautiously picked up his pace, still being mindful of the coffees he was awkwardly carrying. As he continued he checked out the reflections in the store fronts and realized that there was no one behind him.

He allowed his mind wander back to the case he was working on. Still no epiphany yet, but once he finished his coffee and got back to work, it would come to him. That was a fact he was certain of. Barba worked hard on all of his cases, but this particular one was tougher than usual. As he carried on, his thoughts now immersed on strategies potentially useful to his case, he didn't notice that the man he had seen earlier was now walking briskly and deliberately in his direction.  

Suddenly, the coffee Barba was carrying violently splashed up into his face, scalding him slightly as it trickled down his neck and seeped into his clothes. It took him a moment to process what had just happened, and for an instant, he was worried about his suit and whether or not the coffee would come out in dry cleaning. That thought didn't last for more than a moment, and he soon realized that a coffee stained suit was the very least of his problems. He had been so immersed in his thoughts that he hadn't even seen that a man had purposefully knocked the tray out of his hands.

A fist came from seemingly out of nowhere and connected with Barba's cheek with such force that it spun him around and nearly knocked him over. Gasping with shock, he had no time to react. There was no time to even steady himself before the next punch hit him. Then another punch, and another. Although his vision was now blurred with tears of pain and shock, he recognized his attacker as the man he had earlier suspected of following him. 

Barba realized that he was physically no match for this assailant so he took an opportunity to try and run. He wasn't fast enough though, and the man grabbed Barba by the back of his jacket. He managed to break free from his hold, shedding his jacket in the process. Still, not fast enough. The man threw the jacket to the ground, lurched forward, grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the narrow alley between two buildings, out of view from anyone passing by. Barba knew that this meant that no one would witness this assault which also meant no one would be able to help. Everything was happening so fast. He had no time to come up with a plan to get away from whomever this person was. Hell, he didn't even have time to defend himself against the relentless flurry of assaults. The man threw Barba to the ground, grabbed his arm, yanked him upright and hurled him to the ground again. A series of kicks to his stomach and groin followed. Barba rolled away but the man jerked him upright once more and slammed him against the side of a building. The assailant held him up roughly by his shirt collar and bent down to stare at Barba in the eyes. He roughly pulled Barba towards him, and then pushed him back. Barba felt the course texture of the brick grinding against his head and back. The noise the rough brick made against his scalp echoed in his head. His entire body began to shake from pain, and he closed his eyes. _What did this man want with me?_

Weakly, and with false optimism, Barba said, "My wallet is in my jacket." He suspected the man wasn't after his wallet. Still, he managed to muster a hopeful glance at the attacker.

The man pressed Barba harder into the wall and growled into his ear, "Remember me Mr. Barba?"

Barba let out a tiny groan. He had no idea who this man was, or what he wanted. "No," he said weakly, "I'm sorry I don't." Barba realized despite his pain, that quite possibly the only way to get out of this situation would be to try and placate the assailant.

"Is that so Mr. Barba? Is that the way you go through life, forgetting about people you screwed over in the past?"

Barba was again jerked forward and slammed back against the wall, his head making a sickening thudding sound. He was now starting to feel very weak and dizzy. _Who is this person? Why is this happening?_

The man again bent down and met Barba's eyes with his own and snarled, "You ruined my friend's life, and you think I want your wallet? My friend is like my brother, you understand? You are going to pay with more than your wallet. You fucking little asshole."

"I'm so sorry," Barba shakily replied, blinking his eyes to try and clear the tears from them. "I'll make it up to you. Anything. I promise. I promise."

"I don't think you can. You piece of shit. You've caused too much trouble to make anything up. You little fucker, you don't even know what you've done do you? You don't even know who I am, you little prick." The attacker, gripping Barba by his shirt collar, drew him close so that their faces were mere inches apart.

Barba winced and begged for forgiveness and repeatedly apologized, not something he was prone to doing, but he had no other options. He didn't know what to say to calm the enraged attacker. He began to wonder if he would survive. He rapidly racked his brain and tried to remember this man, to try to appease him, but he was coming up with nothing.

Barba could not have known how very wrong it was of him to apologise again and again; he only succeeded in enraging the assailant further. The man grabbed Barba's throat with both hands and squeezed while pounding his head into the wall. Barba closed his eyes, feeling blood trickling down the back of his neck, wondering if he was going to die. _So this is how my story ends_. _I'm going to die at the hands of a crazed, unknown assailant in a narrow back lane._

"You're sorry? You're so sorry?" the man hissed in his ear. "You don't even know what you should be sorry for Mr. Barba. You must be a fucking liar if you don't even know what you're sorry for. You have no fucking idea."

"P please. S stop," Barba begged weakly.

The man suddenly let go of Barba's neck, laughing. He put his hands on the building, trapping the smaller man between his outstretched arms. Barba put his hands up to his throbbing head, still thinking clearly enough to wonder what was so funny. He looked up at the man and only then realized how tall he was, his head not even reaching the shoulders of the other man. Obviously, there was no getting out of this unless the man decided to let him go.

Still laughing, the man mockingly repeated Barba's words, "P please. S stop. P please. S stop." He once again bent down to Barba's eye level. "Aww. What's the matter? You're crying. Have you had enough of our little game? You want me to let you go? Poor Mr. Barba, I didn't mean to make you cry." He slapped him across the face so hard that the strike sounded like a whip cracking. The attacker was clearly enjoying the power he possessed over him.

Barba tried to not let his eyes tear up again. _Don't cry, don't show weakness._  He averted his eyes, but despite his best efforts tears welled in his eyes again.

"Please. Stop," the man repeated again with an evil grin on his face. "You know what Barba? That's what my friend says when he's someone's prison bitch. And guess what you little fucking asshole? You sent him there. You know what? They don't stop. And guess what else?"

Barba shuddered, willing with all his might that the man wouldn't say the words he knew were coming.

"Now, you're my bitch. And now, you're gonna find out what that feels like."

With that the man dragged him a little further down the alley towards a doorway of an old building. He tossed him to the ground like a rag-doll. Barba made a feeble attempt to stand up but fell back to the ground and rolled onto his back. He managed to partially sit up and looked up at the man standing over him, laughing. The man was speaking to him, in a strangely calm manner. Barba's head was pounding, and he couldn't make out what he said. The man took his foot and pressed it against his chest, pressing him down to the ground. Barba closed his eyes, his entire body throbbed in pain.

"Take off your pants," he demanded as he began unzipping his own filthy jeans and slid them down to his knees.

Barba struggled again to try and stand up, but fell backwards again.

"I said, take off your pants!" yelling this time.

Barba rolled to his stomach and tried to crawl away. It was a pathetic attempt, he knew that, but he had to try.

The man grew frustrated and bent over Barba and hauled him up to his feet. He held Barba upright with one arm around his chest and used his other hand to undo Barba's belt and slacks. He yanked off Barba's suspenders and flung them away. Barba wriggled around in a futile attempt to free himself from the mans grasp. The man was too strong and all of the kicking and writhing Barba did just made the man laugh. _No, no, no. This can't be happening to me. What's wrong with me? I couldn't even defend myself. I didn't even try! I should have tried to fight._

The man scooped up Barba's legs and cradled him briefly before dropping him to the ground. He squirmed on the cold, wet pavement as his attacker yanked off his pants and boxers. Barba groaned as the man then sat down on stomach, grabbed the fabric of his shirt and ripped it open. Next, he removed Barba's tie and snapped it in his terrified face.  The weight of the man on his stomach made it hard to breathe, he could feel himself gasping for air and beginning to hyperventilate. Tears were now freely flowing from his eyes, as he anticipated the horror of what was to come. The man leaned over and kissed him roughly.

"This is nice hey?" he panted in Barba's ear, "mmm you taste sooo sweet. I don't usually do guys, but I like you."

Barba squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head to avoid the aggressive mouth invading his own. The man cupped Barba's chin, turned his head back and continued kissing him, causing Barba to gag as the other man's tongue jabbed at Barba's throat. The man smelled of booze, cigarette smoke and sweat.  _Make this stop, God please make this stop!_ Barba shook with sobs as the man caressed his cheeks and stroked his hair with a calloused hand.

The man stood up and pushed down his underwear. He crouched down and flipped Barba onto his stomach. Barba begged for him to stop to no avail. The man sat on top of him and wrapped the tie around Barba's neck.

"If you scream, I'll choke the fuck out of you," the man said as he yanked on the ligature. "So just stop crying, relax and enjoy Mr. Barba."

He heard the man spit and rub his hands together. Barba winced, knowing what was to come. _I'm being raped. I'm being raped. How can this happen?_  It was all too frightening and confusing for him to comprehend. _People are going to find out about this. Everyone will know. Everyone will think that I let it happen. Maybe I can pretend like nothing happened, if I live. If I die they will find my body and everyone will know._

Barba gasped when the assailant penetrated him. The pain was unbearable and he couldn't help but to let out a scream. The man pulled hard on the tie and momentarily covered Barba's mouth with his hand smothering the cries of pain. He let  go of the tie and dug his fingers into Barba's arms, pinning him to the ground. Gravel from the street scraped against Barba's exposed flesh as the man pounded into him over and over. Jumbled thoughts came and went from Barba's mind, _Why is this happening to me? I'm a man and I couldn't fight him off. When will this end?_ Most of the time though, Barba couldn't think much of anything, the pain was too great. All Barba could do was try to catch his breath in between sobs. He was finding it hard to breath again, and wondered when the end would finally come. _Just let him do what he wants, maybe he won't kill me._

"Not such a hot-shot lawyer now are you Mr. Barba? I guess your fancy job and your expensive suits aren't helping you now are they? Who is in control of who now hey?" the man snarled, awaiting a reply.

"I asked you, who is in control now?" he asked, jerking the tie.

It took all of Barba's energy to let out a whisper, "You are."

The man laughed roughly. "That's right, counselor, that's right."

Barba felt himself slipping away and resigned himself to what was happening.  Feelings of humiliation and shame consumed him. Barba had no idea how long the attack had already lasted for, and nothing was making any sense. He could hear the man breathing and groaning on top of him. He felt his hips being ground into the pavement with each thrust, and his entire body was racked with pain.

"You like this?"

"N no," Barba breathed back. The tie became tighter again. "Yes?"

"Yes, what?" the man demanded.

"Yes, I like it."

"I do too, Rafi. You feel so good."

Barba began drifting in and out of awareness. Suddenly, Barba felt no pain and for a moment, he observed the attack from above. He saw a man whose back was glistening with sweat, thrusting into a small man with dark hair and pale skin. _That looks like me. That is me. It can't be. He's being raped_. _He looks so helpless and small._  It was both horrifying and peaceful. The vision was a nightmare, but at least there was no pain.

When it was finally over, the man collapsed on top of him, panting, the wetness of his sweat making Barba cold. He lay on top of Barba for a while before getting up.

"So you probably thought I was going to kill you hey?" he said as he pulled up his jeans. "Nah, you're much more fun alive. God, you were a better lay than I thought. Bit of a baby though. All of that crying? I was surprised by that. Not much fight in you is there? Not such a tough attorney. Now, I'm gonna let you live so that you can think back and remember the good time we had tonight and so that we can do this again sometime soon. In fact, I'm gonna call your cop friends to come and get you. Next time Rafi, no crying." the man laughed in Barba's ear and tapped his cheek, "You had a good time? I did. And now you will know what it's like to look forward to being someone's bitch. That's what it's like for my brother. And now you know will know what that feels like too."

He opened his eyes and saw the man holding a cell phone, "Now, Mr. Barba. Let's see. Who should we tell about the terrific little fuck you are. Hmmm... Benson? Is that the bitch detective? Well lets give her a call shall we? I'll let her know about our little date we just had. I'm sure your cop friends are going to be interested," he hissed, "Maybe some of them would like to test you out too. Maybe the black guy. Fin? He might want a round with you. He looks like a man who enjoys a good fuck. I'll let him know how you taste so sweet. I'm sure he'd love to get into your pants. Or maybe the old captain? Maybe he likes to fuck crying little babies like you."

He knelt down close to Barba and scrolled though the phones contact list. "Hello... No, sorry this isn't Barba. Is this Benson? Yes? Well your little lawyer friend probably needs your help right about now. He's in, quite a state." He held the phone to Barba's mouth so Benson could hear the groans and chocked sobbing sounds escaping Barba. "Yes, yes, you'll find him. An alley way or two over from where you are. He almost made it back. So close, yet so far." His voice sounded joyful as he taunted the sergeant and stood up. He continued the phone conversation as he walked away, leaving Barba lying shivering and clad in only a torn undershirt.

Barba was aware enough to see the man walk and then run away. He suddenly felt his teeth chattering and realized how cold he was. He knew he was partially lying in a puddle, but he had no energy to move or to even roll over. His eyes closed, his body shuddered, he couldn't even cry anymore, there was not one ounce of energy left within him. Then, nothingness took over.

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Confusion

**Confusion**

Looking at her watch Benson wondered out loud what was taking Barba so long. "It's only about five minutes from here," she said referring to the coffee shop. "He's been gone almost an hour."

"He'll be back, Liv," Fin said, not looking up from his paperwork. "He left his briefcase here. Unlikely that he'd head home without it."

"He probably just ran into someone, or took a call along the way," Munch suggested.

"Hmmm... nearly 9:00." Benson frowned. "It's going to be too late for coffee pretty soon."

"Not for me," retorted Fin. "I can drink coffee all night and still sleep."

Munch began a conspiracy theory laden soliloquy about caffeine, how too many people are addicted to it and how it should be classified as a narcotic. The American government of course wants the public to be addicted to coffee and other caffeine drinks so increase worker productivity, which is good for the economy, but bad for the health of the general public.    

Cragen cut off Munch's speech when Benson's phone rang. "Saved by the bell," he sighed.

Benson checked her caller I.D. "Barba! Where the ..." she began before the voice on the phone cut her off.

"Yes. Who is this?" The tone of her voice caught the attention of the others. Fin looked up from his paper work, Munch walked towards her and Cragen gave her a puzzled look.

"What are you talking about? What's happened?" The sense of urgency in her voice was apparent. "Barba! Oh my god! Are you ok? Barba, say something... Where is he? What have you done to him? Tell me!" Benson grabbed her jacket, radio and weapon trying to remain calm.  

The others grabbed their equipment and whispered questions to her while she continued talking to the unknown caller.

"What alley? Where? Who are you?"

Benson covered her mouth in horror as she listened to what the caller told her. "We had a little date, your friend Rafael and I. It's been a long time coming Sergeant Benson. You'd better hurry and find him though, things got a little, umm, a little... rough. I didn't mean to get so harsh with the little guy, but you know, things got out of hand. By the way, he's really not such the tough guy you all think he is. More like a baby really. One little thing doesn't go his way and the first thing he does is cry. Does he do that often? You tell me sergeant, how many powerful attorneys just start crying like that?"

"Call a bus," she mouthed to Munch, holding her hand over the phone.

Benson then returned her attention to the caller, trying to keep him on the line as long as possible. "What have you done to him?" she demanded.

"Well sergeant, this has all been fun, but I have to get going. Could you let the others on your team know that Mr. Barba is an awesome fuck? They should try him out one time. Oh, one last thing, I told Barba that we'd make sure to meet up again. Pass that along to him for me. I'm not sure he got the message the first time. Thanks." With that, the man hung up the phone. Olivia frantically called Barba's phone back, but there was no answer. She filled the others in on what the man calling from Barba's phone told her as they hurried out of the precinct.

Cragen was already making calls to ensure that squad cars began searching nearby alleys. Of course there was no description of a suspect so the squad focused on finding Barba. When they finally reached the street, the group split up, running in different directions, hoping to find Barba before it was too late.

The only information, if it was even correct, was that Barba was in a bad way in a "nearby" alley. Benson headed north, Fin ran south while Cragen and Munch went east and west. Benson checked the first alley she came upon, it was filled with debris, so she ran down it calling for Barba and straining to look behind dumpsters and other obstacles. Nothing.

Fin meanwhile glanced in every direction as he jogged along towards the first alley. A cruiser car appeared and the officers told him where they had searched so far. Fin kept going, and just as he was starting to get winded, he spotted a disposable coffee cup on the sidewalk. He looked to the ground and saw that there were two more of them gently rolling in the slight breeze. A cardboard tray lay overturned next to the curb. He continued scanning the ground, those had to have been the coffees that Barba went to buy. About 30 feet away was the entrance to an alley. He ran towards it. A suit jacket lay on the ground partially covering a grate. Fin sprinted down the alley yelling for Barba. He didn't go far before he saw a figure lying face down on the ground close to the wall of an old brick building. He ran up to Barba,and pulled out his radio. "I found him. He's down." Over the radio he gave the others the location.

Fin kneeled down, took off his jacket and placed it over Barba's torso in hopes of providing a little warmth and to give the lawyer some element of dignity. He touched his cheek softly. "Barba, Barba. Come on wake up. Open your eyes bud." He simultaneously felt for a pulse and pulled out his flashlight to check Barba over until more help arrived. A pulse was there, not strong, but at least he had one. Fin leaned over and accessed that he was also breathing. Barba had cuts to the back of his head, his back was scraped up and red marks were covering his face, neck and arms. Fin lifted the jacket he used to cover Barba partially, and saw blood staining his backside and upper thighs.

Covering Barba back up Fin tried to rouse him again. "Barba. You have to wake up now." He gently stroked his hair and looked at Barba's face for any response. "Rafael." Fin had never used his first name before. "Listen to me. It's Fin. He's gone. Open your eyes now. Come on." _Where is everyone? We need help here!_ Desperation crept into both Fin's voice and mind. He softly tapped Barba's shoulders and cheek and held his hand. He heard footsteps hurriedly approaching. Fin looked up to see Munch running towards him, followed by Benson. He heard a siren getting closer. _Finally._

"Is he...?" Benson hated to ask.

"My god!" is all Munch could say as he held surveyed the scene with his flashlight, noting the discarded suspenders, slacks, boxers and shoes, before kneeling down beside Barba.

"No. He's alive," Fin responded, "but unresponsive so far."

Benson bent over and closed her eyes, trying not to look at the placement of Fin's jacket. Munch ripped his trench coat off and placed it over Barba. "He's cold," Munch stated plainly.  

As Fin leaned in closer again, he felt his hand being squeezed slightly. Barba's eyes fluttered a few times and then opened. "Hey, hey. It's ok. We're here. You're gonna be ok," Fin continued whispering to Barba, reassuring him as Benson and Munch sighed loudly in relief. Just then Cragen appeared climbing out of a police car, it's flashing lights illuminating the area. The ambulance appeared right behind the cruiser the distinctive short beeps of it's horn penetrating the quiet scene.

Barba began shivering again and tried to roll over, he groaned and placed his free hand to the back of his head. The paramedics arrived and as gingerly as they tried to place him on the stretcher, the movement caused him pain. He moaned and looked at Fin with glazed eyes as the paramedics wrapped him in blankets and secured the safety straps. There was a strange, unfocused look on his face. He was trying to take in the scene around him, but he was in too much pain to understand what was happening. He heard Cragen shouting something in the background. Looking around, he saw Benson and Munch talking and looking in his direction. Fin was walking beside the stretcher as it moved. The whole scene was making Barba more and more confused.  

Benson approached him and said softly, "Hey. Fin's going to ride with you. We'll see you at the hospital ok?"

Barba moaned, closed his eyes and nodded his head as the stretcher was lifted into the waiting ambulance.

"Open your eyes. Stay with me now," Fin said softly.

"What happened?" he whispered to Fin as they made their way to the hospital.

"It's ok. Just keep talking to me ok?" Fin replied.

Barba was slowly becoming more aware of his surrounding and he finally stopped shivering. His pain was still unbearable but he was starting to understand that something bad had happened.

Fin kept talking in low, gentle tones for the rest of the ride. Barba winced in pain with every jostle, but he managed to answer Fin with one or two word responses and he succumbed to Fin's insistence that he keep his eyes open. Embarrassment at all of this attention and at the situation was creeping into his mind and Barba suddenly began to feel very self conscious. Thankfully, the ambulance arrived at the hospital quickly, and the tenseness of the ambulance ride was broken by the change of scenery.   

 

 

 

 


	3. Ashamed

**ASHAMED**

Barba closed his eyes and raised his arm trying to block the glare coming from the fluorescent lights in the examination room. One of them kept flickering and the constant hum was making his headache worse. Slowly he shifted his position on the bed, but no matter how hard he tried, he could not get comfortable. Every inch of his body was causing him pain and moving around was just making it worse. He couldn't maintain one position for long though and no matter how he lay the pressure of his body on the bed grew too intense and he would have to shift around again. He sighed and rolled over onto his side nearly ripping out the intravenous line he was hooked to.

Opening his eyes he saw Fin standing at his bedside. _Had he been here the whole time?_ He couldn't remember. There was a lot he couldn't remember, but slowly, bits and pieces of a brutal assault were invading his thoughts. _Trying to run. Held up against a wall. Being kicked. A very angry man yelling at me. My necktie being held in front of my face. Why do I remember my tie? Fin kneeling beside me, talking to me. What was he saying? Everyone staring at me. People talking. Benson staring._

Fin bent over. "Hey there. Do you need anything? Do you want the doctor back?"

Barba stared blankly at Fin. _What is he doing here? How long has he been here for? Wait, he was in an ambulance with me._ He shook his head and then nodded.

"What is it? What do you need?"

Barba swallowed. "What's going on?"

Fin pulled a chair close and sat down and looked at Barba's eyes. "You were attacked but you're ok now. You're in the hospital and you're going to be fine."

 _Attacked? So it was real?_ It took a moment for him to process what Fin had said.

"The doctor will be back soon ok. Can you hang in there till then?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. I'm alright."

"I'll stay with you. If there's anything you need you just let me know ok."

Barba remained silent and collected his thoughts. He remembered the man tossing him to the ground and throwing him up against a wall. Another memory was creeping into his brain but it was hazy. _The man lying on top of me, kissing me, I couldn't breath. He hurt me. It was like watching a movie. It wasn't really me... Did he have sex with me?_ He looked over at Fin and tried to put his thoughts into words. He needed to know for sure what happened. _Fin must know, he keeps looking at me with a sad, pitying look._

Barba took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Fin... can I ask you something?"

"Sure you can. Anything."

"Umm... I think... Do you know... He...I think he and I... had sex." _God this is embarrassing._

Fin reached tentatively for Barba's hand. "Rafael," Fin whispered gently. "You didn't have sex with him. He raped you. He beat you and then he raped you. It's not you're fault. I'm so sorry. The doctor wants to do a rape kit. We're gonna get you looked after alright?"

 _Rape_? _Why? Why me?_ _What about me made him want to rape me?_ "Does everyone else know...about that? About what happened?"

"Yeah, they came just after I found you."

"You found me?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks..." He lay in silence for a moment trying to put everything together. _They all saw me. They all know what happened. They all know that I had sex with that man, and didn't do anything to stop it. Couldn't do anything to stop it._ Humiliation overtook him and he jerked his hand out of Fin's. He was about to tell Fin that he wanted to be alone when a knock at the door made him jump.

"Mr. Barba, I'm Dr. Silver. Have you given thought to the rape kit yet?" the doctor asked as he and a nurse approached the bed.

"Umm... no. I don't know."

"Well," said the doctor as he examined Barba's eyes with a small flashlight, "I can give you some more time to think about it if you wish. Now turn on your side so I can look at the back of your head."

Barba turned to his side, humiliated, and the doctor began examining his head injury.

"He'll take a few minutes to think about it doc," Fin said, speaking for Barba.

"Very well. I'll be back shortly."

"Rafael. Do you want them to do the kit?" Fin was trying to be objective and didn't want to sound like he was talking Barba into something he didn't want to do. "It might help to find the guy. It could help in court to convict him."

_Court? Oh god, how embarrassing. The whole world would find out._

"It may be the only way to stop him from doing it again." Fin added.

Tears crept down Barba's cheek. Deep down he didn't know what he wanted. He didn't want the rape kit, but he knew Fin was right. The thought of anyone else to touching him or looking at him made him feel ill. He wanted to be alone, and he wished that Fin would stop talking to him, yet, his words were comforting. Barba had no control over what was happening to him, he felt frightened and overwhelmed. It seemed like everyone else was in control of him and that he was merely a pawn, controlled by external forces. Confused and conflicted he surrendered to Fin's advice and nodded his head. "Ok," his voice barely a whisper.

He felt so vulnerable and helpless, feelings he was not accustomed to displaying to the world. Sure, he had moments of insecurity but he never revealed that to anyone. Barba prided himself on his normally confident, almost cocky demeanor. All of that confidence had now evaporated and old childhood insecurities overcame him. Feelings of helplessness, shame and humiliation flooded back. Here he was crying in front of Fin, a co-worker whom he admired, but didn't really know all that well. The eloquent and confident attorney Rafael Barba had disappeared and the insecure boy from the Bronx, filled with shame, anxiety, and fear was back. Until now, Barba thought he had rid himself of that boy a long time ago, never imagining that he'd be back to haunt him. Silently, he wiped the tears from his cheeks.

Fin's cell phone vibrated, it was Benson. He excused himself from the examination room and assured Barba that he would be just outside the door. Benson, Cragen and Munch had arrived and were just outside the room waiting for word on the A.D.A.'s condition.

"He's in still in shock I think. He seems aware one moment, the next not so much," Fin explained.

"He's been through hell. Does he have any idea who did this to him?" enquired Munch.

"Haven't got there yet. I just managed to convince him to do a rape kit. Just waiting for the doctor to come back and start. He's banged up pretty bad, but he's mostly stayed awake."

"Does he want one of us in there with him?" Benson asked. "Or do you think he wants privacy?"

None of them knew Barba all that well. He hadn't worked with the SVU for very long, and he was not the easiest person to get close to.

"Fin, ask him if he wants you to stay," Cragen suggested. "You found him, you've been here with him. He's probably trusting you. Barba needs someone right about now. Let us know when he's up to answer some questions."

"Ok, I'll keep you all posted. I'm gonna head back in there. He probably shouldn't be alone."

As the others headed to the coffee machine in the waiting room Fin sat back down beside Barba's bed. "Do you want me to stay with you while they do the exam?"

"Are you sure? You don't mind?" Barba's voice sounded hopeful. "I mean, you don't have to. You can go if you want. I'll be fine."

"No. I'll stay, for as long as you want."

Barba looked at Fin and managed a slight smile. "Thanks."

Soon after, the doctor and nurse reappeared. "Mr. Barba? Have you decided?" the doctor asked.

Barba nodded his head and stared at Fin as he consented to the rape kit. He closed his eyes and flinched as the doctor and nurse began the procedure. "First we have to take some pictures," the doctor said as they lifted the gown Barba was wearing and took a photograph of his groin. Fin maintained eye contact with Barba purposfuly not looking at what the doctor and nurse were doing in order to give him a sense of privacy. Next, the doctor asked Barba to turn onto his side. More photographs. _I'm so embarrassed._ Fin felt for Barba and calmly reassured him that everything was going to be ok.

"Ok Mr. Barba, now we are going to take some swabs. Can you try to bring your knees to your stomach for me?"

Barba complied and winced in anticipation of what the doctor was now going to do. Without thinking he reached out for Fin's hand as the doctor swabbed the area. He squeezed Fin's hand and held his breath until the doctor was finished.

The doctor gestured for Barba to lie on his back and began examining his other injuries. He placed his hands on Barba's torso firmly, but gently prodding, observing his face for reaction. His hands continued moving around Barba's stomach, chest and sides, noting the areas that seemed to cause more pain. When the doctor was finished the exam, the nurse began washing blood off of Barba's backside, thighs, and groin gently covering him up when she finished.

"Mr. Barba, you have some anal tearing and I collected some fluids. You likely have a concussion and possibly a few bruised ribs. Luckily, there doesn't seem to be internal bleeding. I want you to have someone at home with you for the next few days to make sure your symptoms don't become worse. You're hooked up to some antibiotics to prevent any infection to your injuries. I'm recommending a blood test for HIV. I will set you up with some medication which helps to prevent HIV. Just a precaution. Here's some information which explains the protocol you will have to follow for the next few months." The doctor handed Barba several pamphlets while the nurse prepared his arm to draw some blood for testing. When she finished, the nurse and doctor wished him well and quietly left the room.

"Rafael, are you ok?"

Barba nodded and started blathering, "Can you call a cab for me? I don't have my phone. I don't have any clothes. I don't have any keys. I'm not sure how I'm going to get home -"

"We'll give you a ride home. Liv brought your briefcase. You left it at the precinct. Are your keys in there?"

"Yeah."

"Is there someone we can call? Your mom? Maybe she -"

"No! Don't call her. Don't call anyone. Please. I just need my keys. And some clothes."

"Ok. Don't worry. We'll get it all sorted out. Is it ok if Munch and Benson come in to ask you some questions now? Can you talk? I'll find you some clothes and your keys, alright?"

Barba nodded in defeat. He didn't feel like talking to anyone, but he knew that he'd just have to get it over with.

"Alright, I'll be right back."

Fin opened the door and motioned for Benson and Munch to come. "He's ready to talk a bit. He's worried about his house keys. I'm going to find him something to wear home."

Benson picked up Barba's briefcase and brought it with her as she and Munch entered into the examination room. "Thanks Fin."

Benson and Munch looked at each other, silently wondering how to handle to rape investigation of a work colleague. They had interviewed countless rape victims in their careers, but this was going to be different.

"Barba," Benson said, "I'm so sorry... How are you feeling?" Benson knew it was a stupid question, but she had to start somewhere. She pulled up chair and sat down next to his bed.

Feeling tears in his eyes again, Barba looked away and pulled the bed sheets up to his neck. "I'm ok." He pinched his forearm so that he could concentrate on something other than situation at hand. Even though he refused to look at her, he knew that Benson was giving him the same pitying look that Fin had. His body needed to cry, to let out the emotions within, but he didn't want anyone to see him lose control.

"Can you tell us what happened? Was there more than one attacker?" Munch asked.

"No, just one. Umm... he punched me. He grabbed me pushed me. He kept throwing me around. He picked me up and threw me. It's hard to remember. He kicked me, all over. He had my tie... I don't know why. I think he took my pants. I'm not too sure...Then he got on top of me and..." Barba's voice trailed off, not finishing the horrible sentence. He lay in silence, pinching his arm under the covers, wishing for all of this to be over.

"Did you get a look at him?"

"Yeah, he was tall. Really tall. He had bad breath."

"Do you remember what he looked like? Anything?"

"He had a beard. Umm...dark shoulder length hair. It was hard to see. He was taller... he was heavy, I don't really remember..." Barba gave the best description of his attacker that he could, but quickly became overwhelmed. He wanted this terrible conversation to be over so that he could just go home.

"Can you tell us anything else? Anything that stands out to you?" Benson asked, "Did he say anything to you?"

"He was yelling at me. Something about me. I don't know what he said."

"Think. Try to remember what he said," Munch asked of him.

Barba shook his head, still not looking at either Benson or Munch. "I can't remember. I just want to go home. Please."

"Ok," Benson softly answered him, "ok. Fin went to find you some clothes, here's your briefcase. Fin said your house keys are in there?"

Holding back tears, Barba nodded and took the briefcase from Benson. He fidgeted with the clasp, too ashamed to look at Benson or Munch.

"Ok, we're going to go talk to Fin. We'll get you home," Benson said as she and Munch stood and walked to the door. She looked back at Barba and paused for his response while holding the door open. He said nothing and stared at his hands. _He's completely traumatized_. _Fin's right, he's still in shock. Maybe he could handle questioning better tomorrow._

"How's he doing?" Cragen asked when he saw Benson and Munch come out of the room.

Benson shook her head. "He's not really able to provide too much information right now. Still very traumatized, I don't think he's ready to talk yet. Maybe tomorrow? He seems... confused."

"Was he aware of the phone call the perp made to you?" Cragen inquired.

"No. I didn't want to tell him. I'm not sure how much he really remembers at this point."

"So he doesn't know that the perp threatened to go after him again?" asked Cragen.

"If he does, he didn't let on."

"Well, we'll have to get a cruiser stationed outside for him. He'll need some kind of protection until we catch the guy. He's a high profile prosecutor, the perp seemed aware of that, so we'll have some precautions to take. We can't take any risks."

"He refused to let me call his mother." Fin informed them. "Said that he didn't want me to call anyone for him. Not sure what that's all about, but I have to respect his wishes. The doctor said he can't be alone for a few days due to his concussion so I'll stay with him for tonight if one of you can spell me off tomorrow."

"Fin, you've had a long day already," Cragen began. "Are you sure you don't mind? I can post a unit outside for him. As far as looking after him..."

"I don't mind," Fin insisted. "I just need to stop by my place and grab a change of clothes."

Munch nodded. "I'll drive you guys, and I can come stay with him tomorrow. It's my day off, I have no plans. Poor guy. We'll pull together for him."

"Fin, he's going to have to talk more if we're going to catch this guy. Go easy on him tonight, he's been through enough. If he wants to talk, let him lead, be gentle. Give it a day or so, but we're going to have to press him eventually if he doesn't open up. Meanwhile, the lab will get the results from the rape kit and we'll go from there. Now Munch, you're going to drive Fin and Barba, and Benson and I will head to the precinct. It's been a long day, for everyone," said Cragen.

Fin headed back to the examination room to see Barba. "Hey, I found you something to wear."  He handed Barba a set of hospital scrubs. "It's just a set of scrubs, but at least something to wear till you get home."

"Thanks, Fin."

"You found your keys?"

Barba nodded. "Did you call a cab for me?" Secretly, Barba was terrified of being at home alone, but he didn't want Fin to know that.

"I'm gonna stay with you tonight," Fin said. "Captain's orders. Besides, you shouldn't be alone for a few days." He was relieved when Barba accepted the arrangement without protest. "I'll be just outside when you're ready to go." 

Fin stepped into the hall and leaned against the wall sighing. It had been a long day, and he had a feeling that it wasn't close to being over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Dirty

**Dirty**

Barba sat in the backseat mindlessly staring out the window as the car passed through the city streets. It was raining again and the sound of the windshield wipers beat a steady rhythm, breaking the awkward silence in the car. He wasn't responding to any of Fin and Munch's attempts at small talk so they gave up trying to engage him in conversation. It was so quiet that Munch kept turning around to look at him to make sure he hadn't passed out. Fin and Munch wordlessly glanced at each other with worried looks on both their faces, each wondering how best to help him through the trauma he had experienced just hours ago.

Finally the car pulled up in front of Barba's apartment. Fin held the door and helped him out of the car and into the building. The three of them rode the elevator in silence. When they approached his suite, Barba hesitated. He stood there, holding his keys, shaking. Turning around he looked up at Munch and Fin. "What if... What if he's in there?" he asked, his voice breaking.

Fin took the keys from his shaking hand. "That's why we're here. We're going to make sure it's ok."

Munch bent down slightly and looked into Barba's fearful eyes. "It's going to be ok. We won't leave you alone. Either Fin or Benson or I will stay with you until things get resolved," he said, as Fin opened the door and walked in. Munch didn't want to let on that the perp had threatened to go after Barba again. There was no point in stressing him out further right now. Soon enough, Barba would have to be filled in, but for tonight, the goal was to get him to relax and get some sleep. Barba nodded and stepped into his apartment behind him, waiting nervously by the door while Fin checked out the rest of the suite.

After a few moments Fin returned and gently touched Barba's arm. "There's no one in here. It's safe. I'm heading home just to grab a change of clothes and I'll be back. I won't be long."

Barba stood there, unsure of what to do now. He felt lost, frightened, and overwhelmed in his own home.

"Do you need anything? Do you want to sit down or get some rest?" Munch asked.

"Can I have a shower now?"

"That's fine. You can do anything you want. I'll be right here if you need anything."

He walked slowly to his bedroom and pulled out an undershirt and some boxers to change into and stepped cautiously into the shower. Everything hurt and every noise made him jump. He stood under the stream of water, washing himself as best he could, trying to rid himself of the man's smell. Red marks that were surely going to turn into bruises covered his thighs, stomach and arms. Gingerly he washed his hair, wincing at the pain and at the sight of trace amounts of blood coming from his scalp. When the pressure of the water against his body became too painful to bear he turned off the water, disgusted with himself. 

Slowly, he dressed himself, the material of his undershirt felt like steel wool against his skin and the waistband of his boxers cut into his abdomen. Thoroughly exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed he didn't have the energy to find more comfortable clothing, so he stood at the bathroom sink, brushing his teeth over and over. He could still taste the man's kisses no matter how many times he rinsed and gargled. Barba bent over the sink and washed his face, trying not to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He didn't want to see his own face or the bruises that were forming on his cheeks and neck. The facecloth plunged into the sink repeatedly as he tried to wash every last speck of the man off of him. He felt so dirty and despite his efforts he couldn't rid himself of the man's filth. His eyes accidently caught sight of himself in the mirror. _You're disgusting._

Groaning in pain and blinking back tears, he headed towards his bed. He pulled back his bed sheets and curled up on his side, realizing that he forgot to turn out the light. Complete exhaustion had set in and he had no energy to go and turn them off. Every time he closed his eyes, the man appeared, hitting him, kissing him, sitting on him so he couldn't breath. His eyes welled with tears. _Don't cry. Don't cry_. The tears that slipped down his cheeks soon gave way to sobbing, quietly at first, then violently shaking his entire body. Other visions, equally frightening, came from the past to haunt him as well. Hoping that a sip of water would alleviate the lump in his throat he took a sip but only ended up coughing and sputtering. He tried taking deep breaths to stop crying but his body betrayed him. Finally, he gave up control and let his body have its way. Closing his eyes again he clutched his duvet in his fists as he gasped for air in between sobs and tried to catch his breath. _That man was right, I'm a baby, not a man._

Munch couldn't help but overhear the heart wrenching sobs coming from the bedroom. Tentatively, he walked down the hallway, debating with himself whether or not he should go and check in on poor Barba. He felt as though he would be invading the counselor's privacy, but what if he needed help? The door was open, and the lights were on so he continued into the bedroom. Gently, he knocked on the open door so that he wouldn't startle the already traumatized lawyer.

"Hey," he said softly. "Can I get you anything? Do you need something for pain?"

Barba flinched at Munch's words, but he sat up slowly and looked at him with red, watery eyes. "I'm sorry," he said, as he gulped for air, his chest heaving.

"Sorry? No, no. For what? You don't have anything to be sorry for."

Barba knew that Munch was just saying that; he was just being nice.

"Can I get you some more water?" Munch asked again.

"Yes, please. And a pill maybe. It hurts a lot."

Munch returned with a full glass of water and handed it to Barba. After reading the instructions on the bottle he shook out two pills into his hand.  Munch stood over him, taking the glass when he finished and placed it on the bedside table.

"Can I sit?" Munch asked, pointing to the bed. He wondered to himself how to best comfort a man that he worked with who had just been beaten and raped. As soon as Munch asked the question, he doubted that it was the right thing to do. Despite his many years of experience, this was new territory for him and he didn't want to encroach on Barba's space.

Barba nodded tearfully as he drew deep shaky breaths.

Munch sat down next to him, not too close he hoped, and touched his hand. Barba let out a small whine, but didn't move his hand from Munch's touch.

"It's ok. Cry. Let it out. Don't be sorry..." Munch said. Before could finish his sentence, Barba turned to him, flung his arms around him and sobbed. His head buried in Munch's chest as tears poured from his eyes. Despite his fear and embarrassment it felt good to be held. This caught Munch off guard, but he gently stroked his hair and back. Barba let himself melt into Munch for a moment before slowly pulling away, wiping his eyes with his hand. Munch reached over to the bedside table for a box of tissue, causing Barba to jump and recoil in fear.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's ok," Barba replied, feeling ridiculous and taking a tissue to wipe his eyes and nose. He let out a sigh, he was so very tired. Every time he shut his eyes, visions of the man and the attack haunted him. He lay back down, hoping that the pain killer might help him finally sleep.

Munch tried not to stare at the angry, red marks covering Barba as he handed him the covers. In a futile effort to find a comfortable position Barba turned from his side, to his stomach, and back to his side again, his face contorted in pain.

"I don't know him. But he knew me. He knew my name," Barba said.

Munch sat silently and let Barba speak.

"He said it's my fault. He kept talking, but it didn't make any sense. I can't remember everything he said, but he made me say I liked it. But I didn't like it....or want it. He was inside me, and it hurt, he just kept doing it, so hard, I remember sliding on the ground. I thought I was being squashed into the street. And, he was laughing at me. He said that now I would know what it's like..."

Barba bit his lower lip and scanned Munch's face. _Was he looking at me in disgust? Did I reveal too much? What's he going to think of me? I know he deals with rape victims, but I'm a grown man, and I let this happen. I just told him that I gave up and let it happen..._

Munch looked at Barba, not with pity or disgust, but with kindness and compassion. "You did what you had to do to survive. And look, you survived it. He forced you to say that you liked it. I know that you didn't like it. I know you didn't want this. You had no choice, he took that away from you when he assaulted you and dragged you into that alley. He blitzed you and there was no way you could have fought him off. Look, Rafael, what you're feeling is normal. With time, things will get better, and you will go on with your life."

"Every time I close my eyes I see him. I'm so tired, but it's like he's right here. I can still smell him, hear him. I can feel him touching me. I just want to sleep, and I can't," Barba said, his mind racing, desperately trying to rid his mind of the attack replaying in his mind.

"That must be just terrible. It must be so scary. But now, you are safe, the worst is over, Rafael," Munch said. "Those images are memories of what happened, but try to remember that they are just memories." 

Barba closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to concentrate on the reassuring sound of Munch's voice. "You are safe, I'm here with you, and you're ok. Try and take some deep breaths and calm yourself. Remind yourself that no matter what happened, you're safe now."

With his eyes shut Barba nodded, breathing deeply, slowly regaining control of himself.

"Can you stay here? Just for awhile?" Barba asked.

"Sure."

Barba moved towards the middle of the bed and curled up on his side hugging a pillow against his chest. "Can we still talk?"

Munch shifted over, propping himself against the plush leather headboard. "Of course we can."

Munch sat on Barba's bed reassuring him that things would be ok, that he was safe now, and that he would be able to get past the terrible assault. He reminded him again that even though it will be hard, life will go on, and that now he would be a survivor. Barba mumbled softly back to Munch, full of appreciation. He thought that Munch was quite possibly the kindest most gentle person he had ever met. Just before falling asleep, Barba realized that he could trust Munch with anything, and right now, that was what he needed most.

Barba's words came less and less frequently, but Munch kept talking to him in a calm, quiet manner, hoping that the poor man would be able to rest. His breaths settled into a soft rhythm and he finally fell asleep. Munch sat for awhile, he didn't want to move and wake him up. His heart hurt terribly for Barba and compassion for him swelled inside him.

No one at the precinct knew too much about Barba, but the fact that Barba had refused to let Fin call his mother after he had been attacked spoke volumes. Detective instincts told Munch that there was much more to Barba than his fashionable suits and quick wit. He noticed a profound sadness behind Barba's rather abrupt veneer. Munch suspected that he hid behind his cutting and sarcastic comments for protection, as if he didn't want to let people in to see the real Barba. This poor man didn't have anyone to contact after his brutal attack. Benson had even looked up Barba's contact information, and found that there was no next of kin listed. There is obviously some sort of history happening there. Sitting there, he looked over at the now sleeping Barba and a thought came to him. I can be there for him, for this man that I don't know well. He deserves to have support, just as any victim does. _Here I am at my age, with no children or family of my own_. Fatherly feelings towards Barba came to the surface of Munch's thoughts. _He needs a father figure, someone to help him get through this, and I want to be there for him._ The question is whether or not Barba would let him.

Munch sat with Barba, talking softly whenever he stirred. Mostly though, he remained immersed in his own thoughts. The sound of the deadbolt turning interrupted him, it was Fin returning.

"How's he doing?" asked Fin.

"Well, he's sleeping now. He was in a lot of pain, very freaked out. He was having visions of the attack when he would close his eyes, but he finally fell asleep."

"Did say anything? Could he remember anything else?"

"He remembered parts of the rape. He said that the rape was really rough, very brutal. The perp blamed him for it and laughed at him. He said that the guy forced him to say that he liked it."

"Typical sicko," interrupted Fin.

"He said the perp knew his name. Barba has no idea who he is."

"When did he fall asleep?"

"About an hour ago, so you'll have to wake him in a couple of hours. The instructions say to wake him every three hours for the first 12. He had his painkillers a couple of hours ago, so he can have some more when you wake him."

"Got it. Ok, you go home and get some rest. You look like hell."

"Yeah, well poor Barba looks worse. He's going to be covered in bruises tomorrow. He's going to be hurting for a long time, physically and emotionally."

"I know."

"Alright, I'm heading home. I'll come back before lunch time, to spell you off."

"You're sure? I could call Benson, see if she..."

"I'm sure. See you in a while. Call me if you need anything."

"Thanks, John."

Fin made himself comfortable and relaxed in the living room until it was time to wake Barba and give him his pills. He stood at the bedroom door for a moment, before calling Barba.

"Hey, Rafael, come on you have to wake up."

"What? What's going on?" Barba asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Sorry, but I had to wake you. Every three hours, doctors orders."

Barba sat up slowly, flinching. "Every three hours?" The pain was even worse now.

"Yeah, here, looks like you could use some of these," Fin said, as he shook out a couple of pills into Barba's hand and handed him a glass of water.

"Thanks." Barba swallowed the pills and looked at Fin. "Fin, I feel so bad that you all are having to look after me. You don't have to stay."

"Hey, it's not a problem. Just for the night. John is coming back in the morning, he's going to stay with you tomorrow."

Nodding at Fin, Barba lay back down, he felt groggy and his eyes were heavy. Gingerly turning onto his side, pulled the pillow to his chest and curled into it. Fear crept back into his mind, and he hoped that the man wouldn't reappear again when his eyes closed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**You're Worth It**

Soft, peaceful breaths were coming from Barba's bedroom. Fin stood in the doorway for a moment to ensure that he was still sleeping before heading to the living room. Sinking into the plush leather couch he turned on the television, channel surfing before settling on a sports news program. He pulled out his cell phone and set the alarm in case he dozed off. Highlight reels played on the television, but Fin wasn't really paying close attention. Long and stressful weren't even the words to describe the day that everyone had had and he was beyond tired. As much as he tried to stay awake a restless sleep took hold of him. He slept for a bit, then woke up somewhat startled, thinking he heard Barba calling for him. He sat up and turned off the television, straining to hear any sounds coming from Barba's room. Realizing it was just his imagination, he'd settle back down for another attempt at sleep.

The next time Fin opened his eyes, it was neither his alarm nor Barba that woke him, it was Munch.

"What are you doing back here so soon?" Fin asked as he sat up and looked at his phone. There was half an hour left before Barba had to be woken up again and Munch wasn't supposed to be back until mid-morning.

Munch sat down on the loveseat and sighed. "I slept for a bit. Woke up and couldn't sleep again. Thought I'd give you a break. I'll spend the day with him. Benson and Cragen want to come later and finish interviewing him, it's going to be rough, we have to tell him about the call the perp made to Benson. I really don't think he knows about that."

"Yeah, that's going to be harsh. That might set him back, freak him out even more," stated Fin as he got up to put on his jacket. "Cragens coming too?"

"I guess given the circumstances he has to."

"Alright. Call if you need anything. I'm gonna try and get some sleep. I just couldn't get much rest here. You want me back at supper time?"

"I'll let you know. Maybe Benson can stay tonight."

"Ok. He has half and hour to sleep before you wake him. Shame he has no family to help him through this. Or, I mean, no family he wants to help him."

"I know. Thanks for helping out Fin. We'll keep in touch."

After Fin left, Munch made himself some coffee and read the paper at the kitchen table, busying himself before he had to go and wake Barba. Just as he finished the front page article, Barba surprised him by walking into the kitchen. He looked horrible. Munch tried to contain his shock at Barba's appearance; bruises covered his face, neck, arms and legs.

"I can't sleep," Barba said, easing himself into a chair opposite Munch. 

"I made some coffee. Would you like some?"

"Yes. Please."

Munch stood and poured him a coffee. "What about something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry," Barba said, holding his palm to the side of his face.

"We should get some ice on that." He found a baggie and filled it from the ice maker and wrapped it in a tea towel. "Here you go."

"Thanks." Barba felt some relief from the ice-pack as he held it against his cheek.

"Do you need anything else?"

"Something for pain?"

Munch checked his watch. "You're going to have to wait a bit for those. About an hour yet, can you make it?"

Barba nodded, switching the ice pack to the other side of his face. "Is it ok if I have a shower?"

"You can do whatever you want. You do what makes you comfortable. Just don't be shy about asking me for anything."

Munch surveyed Barba's face for a moment then looked down at his paper sipping his coffee. The sound of the newspaper pages being turned broke the silence intermittently while the two men quietly sat opposite each other. A sense of understanding the other was growing between them.

When he finished his coffee, Barba pushed his chair away from the table and headed to his master bathroom to shower. He knew that it was only a few hours ago since he had last bathed, but he still felt the attackers presence on him. When he was finished he carefully dried himself off and tried not to look at his bruise covered body. He pulled out his razor, knowing that he was in desperate need of a shave. Looking at himself in the mirror still made him uncomfortable, so he did the best he could, trying to avoid catching his reflection as much as possible. A sense of self hatred had started inside of him, bubbling and teeming each time he caught a glimpse of himself. He hated himself more now than ever now.

Despite the discomfort of any material that touched his skin, Barba found a pair of sweat pants and a long sleeved shirt to put on. He didn't want anyone staring at his bruises. This whole situation was embarrassing enough already. He walked towards his bed which smelled like his attacker and began ripping off the sheets, hurling them as hard as he could across the room. Sitting on the now stripped bed, he took several deep breaths in spite of spite the pain from his ribs. _Calm down, calm down. Munch is just in the other room, so don't make him worry._  Composing himself he returned to the kitchen to have another coffee and to sit with Munch. There was something very reassuring about being with him. Fin too, but Munch seemed to have an aura of gentleness which radiated from him.

"Another coffee?" Munch smiled at Barba when he walked into the kitchen, hair still wet from his shower.

"I can get it." Barba took the pot over to the table and poured them each a fresh cup.

"Thanks. How are you feeling now?"

"Better." He looked at Munch, wondering if he could tell he was lying.

"Good, good."

Barba faked a smile at Munch, relieved. Either Munch believed him or else he was just letting him off the hook. In all reality, Barba was feeling like shit. His entire body hurt like hell, and he felt as though he could burst into tears at any moment.

"Rafael, Benson and Cragen have to finish interviewing you today. They have some questions for you."

Barba stared at his coffee for a few seconds before standing up and heading for the fridge. "I forgot to get you some cream. Or do you take milk. I can't remember... You know what? I'll make a fresh pot, there's not much left in this one." He dumped the coffee into the sink and poured more water into the empty pot. "Or would you like some tea? I'm not a tea drinker really, but I think I have some nice ones here." He fumbled around in a cupboard. "Ummm... chamomile, chai, uhhh... Earl Grey-"

"Rafael."

"What?"

"I'm fine with coffee. Come sit down, I'll make us some."

Barba obediently sat at the table, grabbed a teaspoon and began furiously stirring his coffee, almost splashing it over the rim of the cup. Munch went to prepare the coffee and looked back at Barba, his heart going out to him. Barba took his cup in both of his trembling hands and took a sip.

"Rafael, Benson and Cragen-"

"Umm... I don't think that's a good idea Munch."

"You can call me John if you-"

"John, it's not a good idea. I already told you everything. I don't remember anymore. So what's the point? They would just be wasting their time, and I know how hard they work, so they should just have a nice day off," rambled Barba.

"Maybe they can help you remember more. They want to come and talk to you."

Barba stood up with his cup and walked over to Munch. "So what about what I want? I don't want to talk about it anymore. John, please, I don't want to think about it, it's all I can think about. Every second. I'm so tired of thinking about it. Please."

"I know you are. This is awful for you. But they have some important information and they have to talk with you about it. Maybe it will help talking to them. They could call Huang to talk with you too."

Barba's hands were trembling and he had a glazed look on his face. Munch gently took the cup from Barba's hands and placed it on the counter.

"John, don't make me. Please don't make me talk about it." His green eyes began to water. "Please tell them no. Just tell them it's not worth it."

"What's not worth it?"

"Talking to me. I'd rather just pretend this never happened ok. I just want to forget this ever happened. I don't think I want to file the police report or else cancel it if it's already been filed. I'm just going to put it behind me ok. Even if they catch the guy, I'm not going to pursue anything. So just tell them not to waste their time." Barba looked pleadingly up at Munch and fought off tears.

"Rafael, listen to me. You spend your life helping others. You help victims of crime and if it wasn't for you, some of them would never get their lives back. Do you understand? And now, you're the victim. Don't you think that you deserve the same? Don't you think that you deserve justice? You're just as-"

"No. No I don't."

"Don't what?"

"Deserve it."

"Why would you think that? Of course you deserve justice...The same as anyone else does."

"I just don't think it's worth it."

"Do you want to know what I think?"

Barba nodded slowly at Munch's question, tears slowly escaping his eyes.

"I think that you, Rafael, are worth it. You are worth helping."

"I'm not."

"Yes you are. You are not a waste of time. Let them come to talk. I know it will be hard on you, but we're all in your corner." Munch put his hands on Barba's shoulders. "I'll be here. I'll help you. Whatever you need. We can all talk. Ok? And, then you can decide later whether or not you want to continue with anything alright?"

"Ok," Barba said softly.

Munch pulled Barba close and wrapped his arms around him. Barba sighed softly and relaxed into Munch's embrace relishing the kindness in his moment of need. He leaned his head and hands against Munch's shoulders, his body racked with sobs. Wiping away a tear he squeezed Munch's shoulders, who in turn, hugged him a little tighter. Munch felt the fear, hurt and sadness radiate from the small man and gently patted his back reassuring him that everything would be ok. He turned to the counter briefly and took a napkin, softly wiping Barba's tears for him. Munch then took the ice pack from the sink and held it against Barba's cheek. What this man, a normally confident attorney, was going through was breaking Munch's heart. _How could someone like Barba not realize that he was worth helping? Why on earth would someone who knew the legal system inside and out, who helped victims, not think that he deserved help when he needed it? How is it that this man who was the walking definition of dapper, transform into a such a vulnerable, almost helpless soul?_   Munch sighed and held Barba in his arms, trying to imagine what the poor man was going through. Every now and then Munch would whisper comforting words, hoping to make Barba realize that he was worthy of justice. Barba's sobs eventually ceased and he lifted his head from Munch's shoulder.

As he gulped for air Munch relaxed his embrace and cupped Barba's face in his hands. "Is there anything that you need?"

Barba shrugged his shoulders and tossed the ice pack into sink.

"Anything?"

"Umm...I don't know," Barba slowly responded, his voice almost breaking.

"Still not hungry? Maybe you should have something to eat?"

Barba stared blankly at the wall behind Munch and said nothing.

"Would you like to lie down? It'll be at least an hour before Cragen and Benson get here."

Munch dropped his hands from Barba's face, waiting for his response. "Ok, come on. Why don't you go relax and lie down for a bit ok?" He put an arm around Barba's shoulders, guiding him out of the kitchen towards the bedroom.

"Oh, looks like you need some fresh sheets," Munch said, surveying the rumpled linen scattered around the room. "Where do you keep them?"

Barba stood silently next to the bed staring expressionlessly.

"Rafael, where do you keep your sheets?"

Broken out his trance, Barba jumped. "What did you say?"

"Your sheets. Where do you keep them?"

"The closet," Barba said walking to the other side of the room. He opened the closet door and pulled out a blanket and bed linens. Together they made his bed in silence. Munch glanced at Barba, he seemed out of it again, like he was operating on auto-pilot. Munch walked around the room gathering the discarded sheets.

"I'm throwing those out," Barba said flatly.

"Ok. Well, we can put them by the door for now. We can toss them later."

Barba nodded, slipped on the last pillow case and tossed it onto the bed. "John. I don't feel well."

"Are you going to be..."

With surprising speed, Barba darted to the bathroom making it just in time before the inevitable. From the sounds coming from the bathroom, Munch didn't need to finish his question, so he went to fetch a glass of water. Feeling the cold of the tiled floor on his knees through his sweatpants, Barba hung his head, clinging to the toilet. His throat burned and his teeth chattered. Violent heaves accentuated the pain in his rib cage. Cold sweats followed by a feverish warmth alternated like a pendulum through his body. Finally, he was done. He flushed the toilet repeatedly and stood up to brush his teeth then rinsing and gargling to rid his mouth of the acidic sting. Munch returned and handed him a glass of water which he sipped at gratefully, the cool water easing the burn in his throat.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I think so," Barba said as he walked back to the bedroom. Rummaging through his dresser he pulled out a fresh shirt and sweatpants to put on. To give Barba some privacy, Munch busied himself by tidying up the bathroom. Barba sat on the edge of his bed, grimacing as he changed his clothes and sat there until Munch appeared again, as if he wasn't sure of what to do next.

"Do you still want to have a nap?" Munch enquired softly.

Barba nodded at him, but didn't move from the freshly made bed.

"Can you stand up?"

"Yeah."

Munch pulled the blankets back and patted the bed. Barba lay down and curled up, arranging the pillows and pulling up the blankets. Munch placed a dampened face cloth on his forehead. He lay there on his side, one hand on the cloth, the other clutching a pillow, eyes tightly closed.

"Thanks John."

"You're welcome. I'll just be in the other room if you need anything."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Crumpled

  **Crumpled**

Barba woke, startled by the sound of Munch's voice gently calling him. He panicked for a moment before becoming aware of his surroundings. Gasping for breath and his heart pounding he sat up and looked over at Munch standing in the doorway.

"Benson called. They're going to be here soon."

"Alright." Barba slowly swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sighed heavily.

"Come on," Munch said softly, "I made you some toast and coffee."

Barba sat on the edge of the bed, trying to catch his breath. The pain was still unbearable and every time he moved the pain became more intense. "It hurts a lot. Really bad," Barba said flinching.

"Here, let me help." Munch extended his arms to Barba and eased him off the bed. "You ok now?" he asked, still holding Barba's arms.

"Yeah, I think so." Barba steadied himself.

"We'll get you your pills. They should help."

Munch pulled out a chair for Barba and placed some coffee and toast in front of him. Barba didn't feel like eating. It hurt to chew, but he didn't want to argue about it with Munch. He took his painkillers and hoped that they would kick in soon. He wanted to tell Munch that his pain was nearly unbearable and not getting better, but decided against it. There was no need to worry him more. He ate most of the toast and headed to the living room to join Munch.

Silently, Barba took a blanket from the couch and lay down. Covering himself, he curled up and stared out the window. Everything seemed so off. His brain felt foggy and dazed. Things were happening so fast, as if his life was spinning away and he has no control of it. Blinking hard a few times, he gave up trying to make sense of anything, so he concentrated on the window again. He felt...blank and didn't even notice the knock at the door, nor Munch getting up to answer it. He lay there curled up, staring out the window.

"How's he holding up?" asked Cragen.

Munch took Cragen's and Benson's jackets and hung them in the front closet. "Not too good. He's really out of it," he whispered, motioning them to move down the hall away from the living room and Barba. "I don't know if it's the concussion, or the trauma. He's had some lucid moments, but he's apprehensive about everything. I know that he was attacked less than 24 hours ago, but something seems so...off about him."

"Do you think he needs to go back to the hospital?" Benson said with concern.

"Well, I can wake him up. He ate a little bit, he was sick awhile ago, but recovered from that. So far, no passing out. He's probably ok for now. I'll keep an eye on him. No way is he ready to be alone."

Cragen looked at Munch. "He knows that he has to talk to us?"

"Yeah, it sure took some convincing. He was...very hesitant to say the least. So, I don't know how it'll go. I don't know how he's going to handle it when you tell him about the call the perp made."

"Alright, well, I guess we'll start." Benson smiled sadly at Munch. "This is going to be tough," she sighed.

They walked into the living room to find Barba still curled up on the couch, staring out the window. He acknowledged their presence by tugging the blanket up to his jaw.

Benson and Cragen sat on the chairs opposite the couch trying to contain their shock when they saw him.

Munch took a spot at the end of the couch. "Rafael, they just want to ask you a few questions now."

Barba nodded and slowly sat up, keeping the blanket wrapped around him.

"Are those pain killers helping you any?" asked Benson.

Barba's eyes drifted back to the window. He hated having to face more colleagues. The last thing he wanted was for everyone to see him like this. He wished that this would all be over.

Benson and Cragen looked at each other, and then at Munch who raised his eyebrows and nodded his head slightly.

Cragen pulled out a notepad and pen. "Barba." He paused, waiting to see if Barba would respond. "Barba," he said again.

Barba turned his head back to Cragen and smiled slightly at him.

"When you left the precinct to get coffee, what is the very first thing you remember?"

"Nothing special. I went and got the coffee."

"Ok, so nothing stood out to you? What about at the coffee place? Anything?"

"No. But, I had all those coffees, and then they spilled on me."

"They spilled on you by the alley?"

"Yeah...and I saw him again there I think?"

"Your attacker? So you saw him before?"

"I think he was outside when I got the coffee. The coffee spilled, and he was there again. The same person."

"So he attacked you after the coffee spilled?"

Barba nodded and looked over at Munch who must have read his mind. Munch shifted over a little closer and touched his shoulder.

Benson sat forward in her seat. "Ok, so you got the coffee and when you reached the alley, the coffee spilled, the perp assaulted you, and you recognized him from outside the coffee shop?"

"Yeah. I thought he was following me. But he came from the other way I think. I'm not too sure now. I don't know," he said his voice breaking and looking at Munch again.

Cragen flipped through his notes and said, "That's ok. You're doing fine."

Munch took Barba's shaking hand in his. "Can you keep going?"

Barba drew in a sharp breath and slowly exhaled. "He punched me. Over and over. It was so fast. I tried to run, but he got me. And he dragged me away. I couldn't fight him. He pulled me into the alley and he kept kicking and hitting. He was so strong. He could pick me up and throw me. He threw me to the ground, to the wall."

"You said he knew your name?" Cragen asked.

"Umm... yeah he did. He asked me if I knew him. He said that everything was my fault. He was mad that I didn't know him. I remember he was laughing at me. Then he pulled off my pants and he took off his. Then, he umm...sat on me. He lay down on top of me and he was kissing me. I thought I was suffocating, I couldn't breath." Tears were forming in Barba's eyes and he desperately gripped Munch's hand. "So then he wrapped my tie around my neck, and he turned me over...That's when he...umm...you know, r...had sex. He was really rough. He made me say things and he pulled the tie tight. He kept pulling it so tight... I was chocking"

"What did he make you say?"

"Umm...that I liked it. Other things too. But I can't remember."

"Do you remember anything after that?" asked Benson.

Barba shook his head, tears running down his cheeks. Munch stood to reach for the box of tissue, but Barba wouldn't let go of his hand. He sat back down while Benson handed the box to Barba.

"That's all I remember. I'm sorry," Barba said, wiping his eyes.

"Ok," acknowledged Cragen. "Why don't we all take a break for awhile?"

"Would anyone like some coffee?" asked Munch.

Benson looked at Barba's shaking hand desperately holding onto Munch. "I'll make some," she said, smiling at Munch's kindness.

"I'll give you a hand," offered Cragen as he got up to help Benson.

"You did great," Munch told Barba as Cragen followed Benson to the kitchen. He turned to Barba and put his arm around his trembling shoulders. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm ok. This is so embarrassing."

"I know you're embarrassed, but you shouldn't be. This isn't your fault. No one here is judging you. We're all here to help."

Barba bit his bottom lip nervously and nodded. "Yeah," he said softly and looked out the window again. He pulled away from Munch when he heard Benson and Cragen back into the room. There was no way that Barba wanted them to see him so weak.

Benson and Cragen set the coffees down on the table and sat down. They both looked at Munch, wondering how they were going to bring up the next subject to Barba. Munch shrugged his shoulders. There was no easy way to tell Barba what he needed to hear.

Munch cleared his throat. "Rafael, Benson and Munch have to talk to you about something. I know you don't want to talk any more, but, it's really important."

Benson leaned forward in her chair. "Barba, do you remember who found you after the attack?"

"Fin told me he found me."

"Do you remember him finding you? Do you remember him being there?"

"Maybe? It's so hazy."

"Do you know anything about how Fin found you?"

Barba lifted his head slowly and looked at Benson and Cragen. "What?"

"Do you know how Fin knew where to look to find you? How he knew to look for you?"

"No," Barba said, puzzled. "He was looking for me?" He turned and looked quizzically at Munch.

"Yes, we all were."

"Why?"

"Well, he, the perp, called me."

"He called you?"

"Yeah, he did. He used your phone and he called me," Benson said gently.

Barba sat staring at his hands fidgeting in his lap. "Oh?"

"He called and told me that you were in an alley close by. He said that you needed help. That's how we knew to look for you and where to find you."

It took a moment for Barba to process what Benson had said. He looked over at the window, then over to Munch. "Well, that was nice of him...I guess he could have just left me there. Maybe he felt bad?" Under the blanket he pinched his arm.

Benson sighed and looked to Cragen.

"No, he didn't," Cragen said. "He wanted us to find you alive before anyone else did. He didn't call 911. He called Benson to taunt us, and you. He made a threat that he was going to attack you again."

"What did he say?"

Benson leaned forward and gently told Barba the details of the phone call she received from the perp. She closed her eyes when she explained to him how the perp insisted that he would hurt Barba again.

Barba sat in shock. His body started trembling. "So, he's going to do that to me again?" He pinched his arm harder until it hurt.

"No, he won't. We won't let him," reassured Cragen. "We don't know if he meant to frighten you, if it was a taunt, or if he was serious. Whatever the meaning, it was a threat, we are taking it very seriously-"

"I can't. I can't do this again. Not again." 

"Rafael. No one is going to hurt you again. We're going to figure all of this out. Rafael, I promise you."

"How? How can you say that? How do you know?" Barba stood and started out of the living room.

Munch followed behind him, glancing at Benson and Cragen on his way out. "I'll talk to him."

Cragen nodded up at Munch and put his hand to his head. Benson sat back and sighed heavily and shook her head. "This is awful."

"Poor guy," Cragen added.  

Munch caught up with Barba in his bedroom. "Rafael. Come on back. We'll talk ok. I'll stay with you until we catch him."

"No. It won't work. You have to go to work, and I have to go to work. You can't be with me everywhere all the time," Barba sobbed. He could feel himself losing control again. "He's going to get me again and he's going to..."

"No he won't. I promise you ok. You can come and stay with me if you want. Where ever you feel safer."

Barba stood defiantly shaking his head. "You don't understand," he said as he stepped closer to Munch. Barba stood on his tiptoes and whispered, "I'm not safe anywhere. I'm never going to be safe. He's going to do it again."  Reaching up he cupped his hands to Munch's ear. "There's nothing anyone can do."

Barba sank to the floor, wrapped his arms around his knees and lowered his head. He sat whispering to himself and rocking back and forth gently. Munch crouched down beside him and put his hand on his shoulder. "Rafael," he said softly. Barba turned his head away and rocked a little faster, muttering something so low that Munch couldn't understand. Munch sighed and stood up, deciding to leave Barba alone for now.

"How is he?" asked Benson.

Munch shook his head. "I think we have a real problem, come with me and see. Tell me if you think he needs Huang."

When they got to Barba's room, he was still on the floor hugging himself. He buried his head further as they approached him. Benson bent down. "Do you need anything?" He hugged his knees tighter and began whispering to himself again. Sighing, she took a blanket from the bed and placed it on the floor next to him. "Here you go."

"Let's leave him alone for awhile," Cragen said. 

"How long should we leave him like that?" asked Munch when they all got back to the living room.

"I don't know. None of us knows what's going on with him. Is he having some kind of psychological break? I'm calling Huang."

"Munch, you look like you need some rest. Do you want to get home?" Benson asked quietly while Cragen was on the phone with Dr. Huang.

"Can you hang around here for awhile?"

"Yeah, for sure. Why?"

"I'm going to go get some clothes and come back. He's got a guest room. I'm just going to move in here for a few days. A lot easier than coming and going. Easier on him too I would think."

"Huang says he can be here in a while. He says just to leave him alone for now, just check on him. Munch, are you heading home?" asked Cragen.

"Just to get a few days worth of clothes. I can do some paperwork from here if you need. Does Huang want me to pick him up?"

"Give him a call and find out," Cragen answered. "We can get you do some catch up work from here for a couple days."

"Do you want a ride back to the station?" Munch asked Cragen.

"No thanks John, I'll stick around and keep Liv company."

Soon after Munch left Benson got up to check on Barba. "I'm worried about him. I can't just leave him like that," she said to Cragen. 

Benson noticed a pile of bed sheets crumpled on the floor by the door. So unlike Barba she thought and made a mental note to ask Munch about them later. She entered his room and called his name, not anticipating a response yet hoping for one. She found him still on the floor, he wasn't rocking anymore, but his head was still down. He was so different from the Rafael Barba she was accustomed to. Huddled on the floor like he was made him seem so very small. Benson knew that Barba was no giant of a man by any means, but he always seemed to camouflage his small frame with his fashionable attire. He made up for his short stature with his huge presence, some would even say his huge ego. But now, sitting on the floor, hugging his knees and wearing track pants and a slightly too large sweatshirt, he looked younger and tiny.

Benson kneeled to the floor. "Rafael," she said, not excepting a response. "Is there anything I can do for you right now?"

Barba lifted his head and looked at her. His arm reached up and wiped his sweat soaked brow. Barba managed a quick smile at Benson and then looked away. "I'm so hot," he said, wiping his forehead again.

Even though Benson had no children, her mothering instincts set in. "Ok, would you like a t-shirt to put on?" Barba nodded, but made no attempt to get up off the floor. She opened a couple of dresser drawers until she found the one with some undershirts and passed one to him. He grimaced as he pulled at his sweatshirt to take it off. "Do you want me to help?"  

"It hurts to lift this arm."

Benson bent down and deftly helped him change his shirt so that he wouldn't have to lift his arms too high. She tried not to stare at his bruise covered abdomen. "Better?" she asked brightly.

"Yeah."

She went into the bathroom and brought back a cool facecloth and handed it to him. "Here. Maybe this will help a bit. Now," she said crouching down again, "are you comfortable here or would you like to lie down on the bed?"

Barba held the cloth to his forehead. "Here." 

"Ok. Is there anything else I can do for you now?" Benson noticed Barba start to pinch his arm and avert his eyes, becoming distant again. "Alright, well, you have a blanket right here and here is a pillow," she said as she placed a pillow on the blanket next to him. "Cragen and I are just in the other room if you need anything."

Benson gave him one last look before she left. Her heart broke for Barba, and she felt guilt for leaving him alone huddled on the floor. More than anything, she wanted to reach down and cradle him in her arms and make all of his pain and fear go away, but she knew he needed space. There had already been too much intrusion in his life in the last half day. Less than 24 hours ago, she thought, his life was normal. Now, here he was, one of the most respected A.D.A.'s in Manhattan, sitting broken, damaged and crumpled like those bed sheets on the floor. She wiped a tear away and sighed as she walked back to wait with Cragen for Huang and Munch.

 

 

 

 

 

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Grounding

**Grounding**

 

"Alright, where is he?" asked Huang after briefly discussing the horrible details of Barba's attack with the SVU squad.

"Still in his room, he was on the floor when I last checked," Benson said.

"This way." Munch directed Huang to Barba's bedroom. "I hope he'll talk with you. He needs help."

"No victims are easy to deal with, but adult males can be even trickier. There's not a whole lot of studies done on adult male rape victims. They're very under represented in research."

Munch and Huang entered Barba's room quietly and found him on the curled on the floor in the same spot between the wall and the end of a large mahogany dresser.  

"Rafael, Dr. Huang is here to talk with you."

Slowly, Barba sat upright and reached for the blanket that Benson had placed beside him and partially covered himself. He took the pillow and rested it between his back and the wall.

"I'll just be in the other room if either of you need anything," Munch said as he left Barba and Huang alone to talk.

"Do you mind if I sit down and talk with you for a bit?" asked Huang. "We can talk about anything you want. Is that alright with you?"

"Yeah." 

"Thank you," said Huang as he pulled up an office style chair from the desk. "You know, I think I know why you're comfortable there on the floor."

"You do?" 

"You have a big, beautiful bed right over there. It sure looks nice. Gorgeous looking duvet and sheets. It's a lot softer than the floor isn't it? But, I think that right now you are more comfortable on the floor because look at how nice and safe it is there. You're sort of hidden there, beside the dresser and the wall. If you were lying down on the bed, you'd be kind of exposed wouldn't you?"

Barba's sad, green eyes briefly looked at Huang.

"I'm really sorry about what you went through. How are you feeling?"

"I'm...not too sure. I don't know."

"Benson, Cragen and Munch are all pretty worried about you. They were really concerned when they saw you sitting here on the floor, rocking yourself. Were you aware that you were doing that?"

"I think so. Maybe."

"It's comforting isn't it, rocking yourself?"

"Umm...I guess so," said Barba, feeling embarrassed.

"It's ok, and there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Some people who have experienced something traumatic, like what happened to you, use different methods to cope with stress. Some people rock themselves to cope. It can be very soothing, and really there's nothing wrong with it. The only time it becomes a problem, is if you allow it to control you and you become obsessive. But you know what worries me more than you rocking yourself?"

"No."

"I'm worried about you pinching your arm like that."

Barba looked down at his hand and let go of his arm.

"Can we try something? Can I show you something that will help you better than pinching yourself?"

"Umm, ok."

"Alright, but it would be good if you could come and sit over at your desk. You can have this chair, and I'll go get another one. Is that ok with you?"

Barba nodded and got up off of the floor while Huang went to get another chair.

"Ok, can you pull your chair right up here and put your hands on the desk?" asked Huang. "Do you know why you have been pinching yourself?"

"When my mind gets filled with bad thoughts of what happened. Sometimes I keep seeing him over and over. So if I pinch, I feel that, and the pictures of him go away for a while."

"Yes. That is called grounding. Grounding is important because it helps to bring yourself to the present moment. But pinching yourself is not the most effective way to ground yourself. Instead of hurting your arm, there are other things you can do. You can try taking deep breaths and counting to ten. Can you put your hands together like you are going to clap?" Barba complied and put his hands together. "Good. Now squeeze them together, not enough to hurt, just until you feel a bit of pressure. The next time you have a flashback or a memory of something bad, try to squeeze your hands together like that and count to ten. You don't have to count out loud if you don't want, but I want you to try to keep your eyes open and to look around and see that you are safe. If you're in bed you can hug a pillow or blanket. This takes practice, but it will help you to bring yourself back to reality and to remember that what happened was in the past."

"I'll try. It's happening a lot."

"Can you tell me what happens, what you're seeing?"

"Just the whole thing, in bits and pieces. It's images of what happened. Sometimes I can smell him or feel him on me. I feel something heavy on me, but there's really nothing there. Sometimes I hear him laughing or I hear his voice. Mostly, it's just seeing him. His face in mine, or seeing him put the tie around my neck. Just...everything. I try to make it stop, but it just comes back."

"That is a normal response, it's very scary and in time, those memories will happen less and less. It takes time. But if you use those techniques, you can learn to stop them before you get overwhelmed by them. It won't be easy, but it will work. You have to remind yourself that what you're experiencing is a memory, it's not in the present."

"That's what John told me too."

"See? What do they say about great minds? Now, do you want to practice? I can help you. It might get scary, but I will be right here and I'll talk you through it. That way, you'll know what to do to help yourself."

Barba looked warily at Huang. "Ok."

"Alright. I want you to lie on the bed. Can you face me? Or is that the side with your broken ribs?"

"No, the other side," said Barba as he climbed onto the  bed and turned over to face Huang. "Can I hold a pillow?"

"Yes, here you go." Huang passed him a pillow and pulled his chair close to the bed. "Now, here is how we work this. I want you to close your eyes, and if you have a bad memory, I want you to tell me about what you see and feel. Then open your eyes and use a grounding technique. You can squeeze your hands, the pillow or the blanket. If it gets too scary, just tell me and we'll stop. I will talk you through it. We'll do this for ten minutes, and then we can talk about what happened."

"Alright."

"Do you have any questions?"

"No."

"Ok, are you ready? Now close your eyes and try to relax."

Barba trembled a little, but closed his eyes, desperate for help. Huang sat forward, examining Barba's face for any sign of panic. Less than a minute later Barba's face contorted and he squeezed the pillow.

Barba blurted out, "He has my tie around my neck, he's choking me!"

"Open your eyes Rafael... Hold the pillow. Good."

Barba looked at Huang, his eyes filled with terror, breathing fast.

"Count to ten," Huang urged. "Has it passed?" he asked after Barba reached ten.

"Yeah." Barba closed his eyes again and relaxed his grip on the pillow. Awful memories surged through Barba's head. One after another, split second images of various moments of the attack replayed in his mind. Unconsciously, he grabbed his arm and began to pinch himself.

"Hold the pillow and let go of your arm," Huang directed. "What's happening?"

"Umm...I just see it happening," Barba replied shakily. "He pulled off my pants and I knew what he was going to do," Barba said as he grasped the pillow with both hands, opened his eyes and then counted slowly in his head.

"Look around the room here, and realize that you are safe now. You see, you're not in that alley. You're here in your own home, in your room and I'm here with you."

Barba slowly settled down and closed his eyes again. Barba lay quietly for a few minutes, trying to block thoughts from his mind before another powerful memory overtook him. His face contorted and he bit his lip. Barba lifted his arm and softly punched at the mattress while tears poured from his eyes. "No, no, no. Please..." he sobbed.

Huang leaned forward. "What are you remembering? Open your eyes."

Barba continued to weakly slap and punch at the bed and at the pillow he was holding, keeping his eyes tightly shut. He shook his head and pleaded, "Please, don't. I don't want to do this. It hurts. Please stop."

"Rafael, I need you to tell me what's happening."

"No, I can't." Barba opened his eyes and clenched the pillow as he gasped for breath.

"Why? You can tell me about it. You can tell me anything."

"I can't tell you. I I don't want to do this anymore. Please can I stop?" His lips quivered in desperation.

Huang realized that Barba was completely terrorized by whatever he had last remembered and that he clearly couldn't handle any more of that exercise for now. "Yes, of course. You did very well. Here, come sit back down."

Barba got up and slumped in the chair. His face was damp with tears, and he watched his hands as they shook in his lap.

Huang let Barba take some time to catch his breath. "Did you see how that technique worked? Was it helpful for you?"

"Yeah." He stared at his hands as they began to fidget uncomfortably. "Yeah. I have to look around and realize it's not really happening anymore."

"That's right. That's exactly right."

"Sometimes it's just one thing I think of. Other times it's a whole bunch of them in a row."

"Right. Just like how those moments just before you fall asleep, and things that happened to you during the day run through your mind. Am I right?"

"Yeah, like that," Barba said without looking up. He slowly started to rock back and forth.

Huang watched Barba as he soothed himself, wondering if he was aware of what he was doing. "How are you feeling now?"

"Umm...alright I guess," Barba said as he continued the repetitive motion.

"Can I ask you about something?"

"Ok," Barba answered focused on his hands.

"Did you ever rock yourself like this before yesterday? Before that man attacked you?"

Immediately, he stopped rocking, raised his head and turned to look at Huang. _How did he know?_ He contemplated asking Huang why he would ask that, but decided not to.

Huang sensed that he hit a nerve. "Do you remember rocking yourself like that since you were very young?"

Barba dropped his head and looked back down at his hands. Huang didn't pursue the issue. "Can I ask you just a few more questions?"

"Yeah," Barba said, his voice just a whisper.

"You did so well with the technique practice. The first two times, you told me what you were remembering and you did a great job calming yourself. Why did you have such a hard time with the last one? It's just that I want you to know that you can tell me anything. It would be better if you let it out."

"I just...can't." Tears formed and fell down Barba's cheeks. He quickly wiped them away, wishing for this conversation to be over. He felt his breathing getting fast and heavy. His heart pounded so hard he was sure that Huang could hear it beating a loud staccato against his chest.

"But why? You can tell me."

"No, no." Barba shook his head. "I can't. I promised...I wouldn't."

"Who? Who did you promise?"

"Please," Barba begged, "don't make me say it. I can't." His voice rose with fear. "Can I see John now? Is he still here?"

Huang didn't push him any further. Something wasn't making sense. Barba had told him the horrible details of the previous nights attack, so what would be left to possibly conceal? The attacker wouldn't have made Barba promise not to tell anyone about the assault. He was the one who called Benson and told her what happened and then bragged about it. He seemed to have hit a nerve when he asked Barba whether or not he rocked himself before the attack. What was that reaction about?

"John's here. You really like him don't you?"

"Yeah."

"I can see why. He's a very gentle person isn't he? He's very understanding and kind."

Barba nodded. "Yeah, I like him. He's been so nice too me." Barba sat quietly for a few seconds. "Dr. Huang? Can I tell you something?"

"Sure. That's why I'm here. Anything."

"Sometimes, I wish, that I knew John better before."

"Because he's such a good friend?"

"Yeah. And, I even wished that he would have been my dad. I wished that when he gave me a hug earlier and when he brought me water after I got sick. Isn't that stupid?"

"No. Not at all. I think that John would have been a really good father. I agree with you."

For the first time during the session Barba allowed his eyes to connect with Huang's for more than a mere second. "Yeah."

"Rafael, I'm sorry if anything made you feel uncomfortable. I want to help you. I just want you to know that sometimes, in order to get better, you have to work through some really awful things."

"I know." Barba sighed heavily. "It's ok."

"Do you want to stay here while I get John for you?"

"I think so. Ok. Don't tell him what I said about wishing he was my dad."

Huang smiled at Barba. "It's our secret. But, you know what. I think that you should tell him that sometime. That's a big compliment you know."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Crumbling

**Crumbling**

 

"How did it go?" asked Munch.

Huang sat down and sighed. He looked at Benson, Cragen and Munch. "Well, he did alright considering what happened. He's still very much in shock. He's suffering from rape trauma syndrome, and right now he is in the first, or acute stage. He's extremely traumatized, and this state of trauma could last for another two or three days at least, maybe longer. He's very fragile, his thoughts are disorganized, he's anxious, seems confused at times. He's showered twice in less than 12 hours. The rocking, the trembling and pinching himself are all symptoms. He's looking at a very long, hard road to recovery. Be prepared that he will get worse before he gets better. I taught him some ways to deal with his memories of the attack. He used them, with my help, twice. There was a break in his ability to recover from a third memory or flashback, and he refused to tell me what he was experiencing." Huang sighed. "I'm worried about him rocking. It's not a harmful thing, it can be very soothing. But, it can become compulsive in some people. I'll talk with him tomorrow about setting time limits if he needs to rock, but right now, if you see him rocking, just let him, as long as it doesn't last for hours. If you see him pinching himself, stop him. Hurting himself is the last thing he needs to do right now. Remind him to squeeze his hand together or to count. Let him hold a pillow and squeeze it. Anything but harming himself."

"Thanks, George," said Cragen. "Liv and I are heading back to the station. Do you need a ride downtown?"

Huang put on his coat. "Sure. That would be great. John, call me if there's any problems. I'll come by tomorrow, I'd like to talk to him again to see how he's progressing."

"Ok. Thanks George. I think we'll be ok."

"He wants to see you John. You know, he really appreciates everything you've done for him."

"And so do we," added Cragen.

"I almost forgot to ask, do you know anything about those sheets on the floor?" asked Benson.

"Yeah, he wants to throw them out. He had slept on them when he got home, but ripped them off the bed when he woke up," said Munch.

"Probably some kind of reminder I would guess. Call me if you need anything," said Benson. Munch locked the door after everyone left and went to check on Barba.

Barba sat on the bed holding his head in his hands. Everything was so overwhelming. What Huang had put him through was brutal. All of those memories flooding back and terrorizing him. All he wanted was to forget everything, but that clearly wasn't about to happen anytime soon. He didn't think that he would have the inner strength to use the coping methods that Huang had taught him, but he would have to try.

"How are you doing?"

Barba jumped so high he nearly fell off the bed. Heart thudding, he turned and flashed Munch a quick half smile.

"I'm alright."

"You sure?"

"Umm, yeah."

Munch sat down and smiled. "Huang said that your session with him went pretty well. He said that you made a bit of progress using those methods to help you cope with some of your memories."

Barba fidgeted nervously, rubbing his arms and running his hands through his hair. "It was good. Really good. I learned a lot. I think I'll be fine," he said, a little too cheerily, and avoiding Munch's eyes. He never did get the hang of lying to someone and looking into their eyes.

"That's good to hear. So, what do you say we get something to eat and go and watch some t.v.?"

"Ok." Barba smiled at Munch. It would be good to eat and do something normal to get his mind off things.

"Good, good. What do you feel like having? Pizza or Chinese? Something else?"

"Doesn't matter. Whatever you feel like."

They looked through some delivery flyers and decided on pizza. Barba had just enough time to shower and change before the pizza arrived. After a few hours of television and small talk both men began to feel the effects of a long, hard day. Barba was especially exhausted, but he began to panic at the thought of going to bed. Certain that nightmares would take hold of him, he tried his hardest to remain awake and alert.

Eventually Barba could barely keep his eyes open any longer. Saying a quick good night to Munch he crawled into bed and quickly fell asleep. He wasn't sure how long he had slept for before his eyes flew open at the sound of footsteps in his bedroom. Pulse quickening, he squeezed his eyes shut tightly. Maybe he was imagining things. Holding his breath he listened intently. Nothing. He hoped that he had just been hearing things. Slowly, he let his breath out, relieved. Seconds later, he heard the footsteps again. He froze and closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. The feel of cool air on his back made his skin tingle as the blankets were pulled back from the other side of the bed. Dread filled him. He swallowed hard and bit his lip as the mattress sagged and creaked under the weight of someone sitting down.

Blinking back tears, he knew that there was no point in crying out or struggling. A body curled around his and he could feel heavy, jagged breaths on his neck. A slurred hiss instructed Barba, "You be good." The man lifted Barba's hips and placed a towel under him. Barba nodded silently as a hand pulled his underwear and pajama pants down. He choked back a sob as a hand roughly groped him. "Shh." A finger was placed on his lips reminding him to be quiet. Barba was jerked onto his back and the abuser crawled on top of him, his hips rolling and grinding against Barba's thighs. The smell of stale alcohol made Barba feel like retching as his mouth was forced open by rough, chapped lips. His abuser moaned in pleasure as his tongue forced it's way around his mouth and down his throat. "That's a good boy," he murmured. "Such a good boy." The weight of the man on top of him made him feel as though all of the air was being squeezed out of him. Gagging, he tried to breathe in between the brutal, hungry kisses. Hands grabbed at his waist and turned him onto his stomach. He tried his very best to stay quiet, and even though he knew what was to come, the pain caused him to cry out. "I told you to behave," the man growled. "Now shut up or I'll tell everyone what you've done." Barba zoned out, his body was numb; his mind, emotionless. He lay still for the rest of the assault, it was just easier that way. 

When it was over and the man got up and jerked him out of bed. Barba stood there, legs like jelly as the towel was tossed at him. "Clean yourself up," the man demanded as he staggered out of the room. Barba did as he told, whimpering softly as he wiped himself clean as best he could and then stashed the towel between the mattress and box spring, planning to sneak it into the laundry later. He pulled his underwear and pajama pants up and crawled back into bed, a single tear rolling down his cheek. He couldn't hold his pain in for long, and soon his soft whimpers grew into heavy sobs. He was despondent, knowing that he would cry himself to sleep that night, and then wake up and act like nothing had happened.

Munch felt as though he had just fallen asleep when the sound of panicked crying woke him. The alarm clock was displaying four am, so he must have slept for a few hours at least. Sitting up in the bed in the guest room he wiped the sleep from his eyes and fumbled to turn on the light on the bedside table. Grabbing his glasses, he got up and ran down the hall to Barba's room.

"Rafael, it's ok." Munch turned on the light and walked towards the bed. Barba was sobbing and thrashing. "Rafael...Rafael...I'm here. It's me, I'm here."

"Is..is he gone?"

"Is who gone? There's no one here. Just you and me. You had a dream."

Barba stood up and clung to Munch. His shoulders rose and fell and his abdomen heaved as he gasped for breath. "It wasn't a dream. I was awake. He was right there," he said pointing to the bed.

Munch put his hand on Barba's chest, his heart was pounding. "Ok, it's alright now. Do you want me to check and make sure?" Munch knew that Barba had been dreaming or having a flashback but he didn't know how else to appease him.

"Don't leave me! Please!" he begged, his hands tightening on Munch's arms, repeating his pleas in a whisper.

"Ok, I'll stay right here."

"It was...real." 

"It seemed real, but it wasn't. It was just a memory. Do remember what Dr. Huang told you?"

"Yeah." Barba stood holding onto Munch's arms trying to stop himself from shaking. "I thought it was real...There's something else though."  

"What is it?"

"Well, I'm not sure how to say it..." He put his hands to his temples. "Ever since it happened, my mind is all over the place. It's like one thing comes into my mind, then it's gone, then something else. Everything's all mixed up, all jumbled. I can't clear my head. And, these visions, or memories they just keep coming over and over. Sometimes I stop it, but mostly I can't." Barba's head pounded and he held his hands tightly to his head. "I feel like I don't even know who I am sometimes, or what's real and what's not."

"I know. And that's ok. Dr. Huang said it will take time and practice. They won't go away right away. I'm here to help you. Huang is coming back tomorrow to see you. Ok?"

"There's more..." Barba said, panting like he had just run a marathon. He stepped close to Munch again. "I'm remembering other things too. From a long time ago."

Munch put his hands gently on Barba's shoulders. "What is it?"

Barba took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "It wasn the man from last night that was here. I mean, I thought was here. But someone else was hurting me too."

"Can you tell me who it was?"

Barba whimpered quietly and trembled. "It...It was...I..." His hands fidgeted and twisted his shirt. "Ahh...You won't tell on me?" he asked in a quietly, stepping closer to Munch, looking at him with desperate eyes.

"Tell on you? Of course not."

"Promise? You have to promise. Please?" Barba's heart thudded and he broke out in a cold sweat.

"I promise."

"It...It was my dad. My dad...he...umm..." his voice trailed off and he hung his head.

"Your dad hurt you?"

"Yeah."

"What did he do to you?"

"Umm, I...I don't know if I should tell you. I can't tell."

"You can trust me. With anything."

"He used to make me...umm...do things with him."

Munch's heart sank and he pulled Barba into a tight hug, being careful not to hurt his ribs. "Where is he?" Munch asked, trying not to let his voice rise.

Barba wriggled out of Munch's embrace and sat on the bed, saying nothing.

"Where is your father?" Munch asked again, bending down to look him in the eyes. He briefly fantasized about what he would like to do to the man. "Rafael, your father. Where is he?"

"He died, 15 years ago."

_Good._ Despite his outwardly calm exterior, feelings of hatred and rage were beginning to boil within him. Although he was accustomed to dealing with victims of sexual abuse he still could never make sense of it. He struggled to hold in his own tears and quickly wiped away a tear of his own.  He pushed his glasses up to hide his eyes from Barba.

"Would you like to talk about it? It might feel better."

Barba looked up at him with the saddest eyes Munch had ever seen. "What if it gets worse?"

"Well, maybe it will feel better to finally get it out. It won't get better if you keep it all in."

"Maybe...I just tried to forget it all. I didn't think about it much, until yesterday. Now, everything bad is all back."

Munch pulled up a chair and sat down, fighting with himself to keep calm. "How old were you when he started hurting you?"

"I don't know," Barba said in a small voice. He lay down and sighed heavily. Shaking his head he squirmed restlessly. He bent and straitened his legs and covered his face with his arm. This was too much too bear, he knew he was about to violate a long held promise of silence, but another part of his brain took over and the words spilled uncontrollably from him. He turned onto his side and drew his knees to his chest. "I think maybe I was seven or eight the first time. I don't really remember the first time..."

"You must have been so scared and confused."

"Yeah," Barba said softly. "I was. I was so scared. But then it was just normal. You know? I just got used to it, and pretended like it wasn't happening. I used to pretend that he wasn't my dad, and that somewhere I had a real dad who would find me and come to take me away. I used to imagine that lots. Or else I'd try to make him happy so that he wouldn't hurt me. Sometimes, when he came into my bed, I would imagine I was somewhere else and then I couldn't feel it. It was like I had a dream where I was in a different place. But then I'd wake up, and it was happening. I didn't know what else to do."

"There was nothing you could have done. You were just a little boy. You couldn't have stopped it. It wasn't your fault."

"It was my fault. I was bad. He said I was just bad, and he hit me a lot. But then when he was, you know, touching me, I was a good boy."

"Did you ever tell anyone what happened?"

"No...I wasn't ever supposed to say anything, to anyone and I didn't. I never did, till now."

"How far did he take things with you?"

Barba made a sharp cry and began to shake. He shook his head and refused to answer the question.

"It's ok. It's safe to talk now. You're not bad, and you weren't bad then. He can't ever hurt you again. Do you know that?"

"He's in my mind, saying those things, doing those things...It's him, then he turns into the man from last night, then my dad again...I can't tell if it's real. I felt it, it hurt. He was on top of me, and I couldn't breath."

"I am so sorry that you had to go through any of this. What happened to you last night brought all of those memories back to you. You were innocent. How long did he do this to you?"

Barba covered his face in shame. He was humiliated, but the secrets demanded to be heard. "Umm, well, I think until I was 17? Just before I went to university. He tried one other time after I went to school, but he was so drunk, that he ahh, umm, couldn't." He eyed Munch, expecting that he would be disgusted with him for allowing the abuse to continue for so long, but Munch didn't  flinch. 

Letting out a heavy sigh Barba wiped tears from his eyes. "I did some really bad things-"

"No, you didn't. Your father did bad things, not you. Whom ever hurt you last night was bad, not you."

"No. I did too. I did some really terrible things too when-"

"Rafael, no-"

"Yes! I did. My first couple of years at university. I did some, umm, not nice things. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, especially since yesterday."

"What happened?"

"Oh god. This is so embarrassing." He had to tell Munch, something inside of him was urging him to tell everything. "I, umm... I slept with some guys. Umm, older guys. I met one during summer break. He would buy me drinks, take me out. He lent me money. I thought he loved me so I let him do whatever he wanted with me. I slept with him and I let his friend sleep with me too. Both of them, I didn't care. I just wanted him to love me... so I did whatever he wanted. He didn't hit me or anything at least, but he just had me around for sex. It's not something I'm proud of. Another guy, he used to hit me and I didn't care. I let him just do anything to me too. I let people do anything they wanted when I was younger. Some really bad stuff. You know...really bad." Barba began squirming uncomfortably again.

Munch leaned over and gently touched Barba's shoulder. "It's ok. I'm glad you told me about what happened to you. You weren't being bad. That kind of thing happens to people sometimes, especially if they are feeling lost. You must have been so lost and sad. I would never judge you."

"You wouldn't?"

"No, I wouldn't. You were trying to find someone to love you, but instead, they hurt you. That's not your fault. You just didn't know any better. You had no way of coping with what your father did to you."

Barba sat up and shrugged his shoulders. "I guess," he said, not knowing whether or not to believe Munch's words. Desperately, he wanted to believe him. "Everything is hurting bad again."

"Come on," Munch said, looking at his watch. "Let's go and get you your pain killers."

Barba nodded silently and followed Munch to the kitchen. He swallowed his pills with some water and sat at the table, not knowing what to do next. Although tired, he didn't want to go back to bed, afraid that he'd have another horrible dream. He hated being a burden on poor, kind Munch, so he waited for Munch to take the lead. Whatever Munch decided is what he would do. He desperately wanted Munch to stay with him, but he feared that his childish behaviour and uncontrollable break downs would soon drive him away. _Try to be brave. Don't freak out again. I'm going to drive him crazy. Just calm down. Don't have another outburst._ He took some deep breaths, hoping that Munch would stay for just a little longer. 

Barba noticed Munch staring at the small bruises on his arms. He pulled down his sleeves, embarrassed. "I know I shouldn't do that. I'm trying to stop."

"That's good. I'm glad. I don't want you to hurt yourself."

For some reason, those words resonated deeply in Barba. A part of him was amazed that someone even cared. He smiled slightly. "Thanks."

Munch leaned forward and patted Barba's hands. "Ok. You look so tired, do you want to go back to sleep for a few more hours? I could use some sleep myself."

Barba lay in his bed for what seemed like forever, refusing to let sleep take him over. He was thoroughly exhausted, but the thought of sleep terrified him. The sound of the heat coming on startled him, and he felt himself starting to panic. Sitting up in bed, he remembered what Huang taught him. Taking a deep breath, he clenched his blankets, counted to ten and prayed that this image would go away. Mustering up all of his inner strength he held back tears and got up out of bed. He had calmed down somewhat, but he couldn't lie there anymore. He took a pillow and blanket from the bed and walked out of his room and down the hallway, standing silently at the doorway of the guest room, hoping that Munch would be awake. When he realized that Munch was still sleeping, he continued onwards to the living room and curled up on the couch.

It wasn't long before Barba felt himself falling asleep, and with that came terrible memories. His father appeared and ripped away the blankets. With an evil smile on his face he began to undo his pants. Barba awoke in a panic and tried to count and squeeze the pillow, but the sense of overwhelming anxiety would not subside. Jolting upright, he sat on the couch and felt tears and the onset of panicked breaths overtake him. He knew it was wrong, but there was no other way to stop his panic, so he grabbed his arm and pinched himself until he couldn't stand the pain. It was the wrong thing to do, he knew that, but at least it helped a bit. Leaning back, he wrapped his blanket around him and hugged his knees to his chest.

Dark thoughts took over Barba's mind. He didn't want to go through this anymore - he _couldn't_ go through this anymore. It took him years to move on and forget what had happened with his father. It was amazing how he managed to push it all down and get through law school, but it was always there in the back of his mind. He didn't make friends easily, and never really had what one would call a successful or meaningful relationship. In his youth he had been socially awkward and promiscuous. He allowed, and even welcomed abuse from others knowing that he really didn't deserve any better. But, despite all of that, he had motivation to overcome it all when he was younger. The sole motivating factor that got him through school, and through life at that time was getting away from home, the ghetto and especially getting away from his father. He accomplished what he set out to do, or so he had thought. His father was dead, yet he was back to haunt him, worse than ever. He had escaped out of the ghetto, but he was attacked and raped anyway.  _So, what's the point of anything? Why did he ever bother?_

As confused as he was, he was certain about one thing. No way was he going through all of this again. There was no motivation for him to overcome this again, he couldn't face the pain now at this point in his life. He had nothing for him to look forward to anymore. It had taken years to forget about what his father had done. Years to forget about how he allowed older men take advantage of him and use him, and he still felt guilty for how easily he fell into the bed of anyone who paid him the slightest attention. Now, all of these things were back, along with last nights attack too. On top of all of that, the man who had assaulted and raped him was on the loose and was going to do it again. Barba sighed.  _Why didn't he just kill me?_  At least, if he had died, he wouldn't have to deal with all of this. Maybe, if the man really did come after him again, he would kill him and it would be over. _I would literally be better off dead._ Thoughts of suicide had flitted through his mind in the past and he had to push those scary thoughts aside now. He was 44 years old, and he saw no way out. _Am I supposed to take another lifetime getting over this?_ He didn't have it in him and he had no fight left in him. Hopeless and broken was how he felt. He wished he would die in his sleep. Barba sat on the couch his brain switching from flashes of his attacker and his father to his own feelings of hopelessness. His heart pounded and his anxiety had crescendoed. Huang was wrong, none of this would ever get better. It would never go away.

"Did you get any sleep at all?"

The sound of Munch's voice was welcome relief to Barba's thoughts. "No. Did you?"

"Some, a couple of hours worth anyway."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no. You didn't wake me up."

"I'm just sorry to put you through this. Thanks for putting up with me."

"I'm not putting up with you, I'm helping out a friend. You look exhausted. You have got to get sleep."

"I just can't. I'm scared of having nightmares again. What Huang told me to do didn't work." Barba tried to steady his breath.

"Do you want to stay out here, or would you like to go back to your room?"

"Stay here."

"Tell you what, I'm going to make myself a coffee and get something to read. Do you take the paper?"

"Yeah, it should be in the hall."

"I'll be right back."

After Munch made a carafe of coffee and retrieved the mornings paper he came back to the living room and sat beside Barba.

"Here. Lie down," he said, patting a pillow he had placed on his lap. Barba stared at him in silence, stunned.

"Do you trust me?"

"Yeah."

"Ok then. Here, lie down." He smiled warmly and patted the pillow again. "Rafael, let me look after for you. I promise you'll be safe here with me."

Barba hesitated for a moment, but he wrapped himself in the blanket and lay down. His entire world was falling apart. He had spent his adult life carefully constructing a brick wall around himself for protection. He concealed his pain, weaknesses and vulnerability behind a façade of cockiness and sharp, smart remarks. Sometimes, he even took pride in his almost callous attitude. Callous people aren't vulnerable and they don't get hurt. He took a deep breath and adjusted the pillow as he rested his head on Munch's lap, the brick wall he built to protect himself was coming down, piece by piece. Hell, it was crumbling like a wrecking ball razing a fortress.  

"It's ok now. Try and relax." Munch held Barba's hand and stroked his hair.

Feeling the tension begin to leave his tired body he took a deep breath and released it slowly. He closed his eyes and let down his guard knowing that he would be safe with Munch.

Munch sipped his coffee and flipped through the paper. He couldn't concentrate on reading anything, so he tossed the paper on to the TV table nearby. Looking down at the now sleeping Barba, his heart broke a little more.  _So unfair. How could someone get through all of this? It wasn't going to be easy._ Barba twitched slightly in his sleep and let out a quiet moan. Shaking his head and sighing, Munch lay his hand on Barba's shoulder, gently rubbing it and tracing out small circles with his thumb. Feelings of anger again rose in him. _How could his father have hurt him like this?  Abuse that lasted for years and years?  Barba had been abused for practically his entire childhood. Where the hell was the mother? It's not her fault, but how did she not notice? Funny how Barba hasn't mentioned her at all. Should I ask him about her? Had anyone ever shown Barba comfort or affection? He spent his whole life with this horrible secret, with no one to help him._ _No one held him, no one wiped away his tears when he was a child. No one made him feel safe enough to tell what was happening to him._ As if dealing with all of that wasn't enough, he was also having to deal with the shocking violence of last nights attack, compounded by the fact that his assailment had not been apprehended.

Munch's thoughts were interrupted when Barba made a soft whimpering sound. He writhed on the couch, legs kicking as he flung his arm around his face. He let out a sharp gasp as he sat up, his heart racing. Munch placed his hands on Barba's shoulders. "Rafael, look at me. It's just a dream. Nothing else." Barba opened his eyes and looked at Munch. He nodded and lay down again as Munch to guided him back to his lap. "Lie down, you still need to sleep." Munch covered him with the blanket and patted his shoulder. "Close your eyes," he whispered. "I'm right here."

Barba squirmed for awhile and nestled his head into the pillow. It wasn't too long before he felt safe again and closed his eyes, finally settling into a much needed deep and peaceful slumber. Munch sighed in relief when Barba fell asleep again. Reaching for his coffee, he noticed that Barba's left hand was wrapped around his opposite wrist. Slowly, he slid his hand under Barba's and moved it away so that it rested on the pillow. He sipped his coffee and set it back down, his eyes feeling heavy. Munch leaned against the back of the couch, careful not to disturb Barba's tenuous sleep. Closing his eyes he soon drifted off to sleep, one hand resting on the arm of the couch, the other laying on Barba's shoulder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. The Start of Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter is hard on poor Barba. Might be hard to read.

**The Start of Something**

 

It took him a moment to figure out how to reheat his coffee in Barba's microwave so he hit random buttons until the light came on and the tray began to slowly move from side to side. Not wanting the electronic beeps to wake Barba, Munch opened the microwave door and took his coffee out before the timer counted down to zero. He wandered down the hall to the guest room and returned Benson's call, she was on her way with Huang to drop off a package of work for Munch to do while he stayed with Barba.

It was only moments after Munch had hung up with Benson that she and Huang arrived at Barba's apartment with an arm full of paperwork, a laptop for Munch and some fresh bagels and cream cheese from a local bakery.

"Thanks, Liv," he said, relieving her from the load in her arms.

"We'll see if you're thanking me when you get through this backlog. How's Barba?"

"Finally sleeping. I couldn't bear the thought of waking him, he hasn't slept for more than a few hours since it happened."

"Did he say anymore?" asked Huang.

"Not really. I don't see how he's going to recover with the suspect still out there."

"I know. Cragen found out that the rape kit hasn't been processed yet, so he put a rush on it this morning. We have no leads and no witnesses. Barba's cell phone hasn't been turned back on since the perp made the call to me, so there's no way of tracking it. We're dead in the water, unless the kit comes up positive for someone with a record, or if Barba remembers any details we can work with." Benson said.

"What if he can't?' asked Munch. "He's really traumatized. Sometimes he doesn't even know what's real."

"We can only hope that he remembers something. His description of the perp - very tall, dark shoulder length hair - doesn't give us much to work with. Huang is going to have to get more out of him, anything. We need more. Fin is looking into his recent case files to see if anyone he's put away ever made threats. It's a lot to go though, it'll take forever to go through everything if the rape kit doesn't turn up anything."

"I'm hoping that maybe today I can work with him a little more. Maybe help him to remember some details." Huang said.

"How's he going to handle all of this? He's so fragile...I didn't know him all that well before, but now, he's just a shell of himself. Liv, I'm not complaining, and I'm not criticising him, but he's...he's regressing. He's afraid of his own shadow. I'm used to interviewing victims a few times, seeing them in court, and then they go away. I think about most of them after, but this is different. Seeing him having nightmares, witnessing him reliving the attack. It's awful. I wish I could take the burden from him. I feel...helpless, not being able to help him."

"John, if it's too much. Let me stay. Maybe you need a break?" offered Benson.

"No, I promised him I'd stay for at least another night."

"Sure, anything. John, you are helping him. I'm sure you being here with him has made a huge difference for him. Has he mentioned anything about contacting family or to let his mother know what happened?"

"Not a thing. I thought of asking, but I just can't. It's odd to me that since I've been here, there's been no phone calls for him. No friends, no family calling. Nothing."

"Well, you can tell him that he's been given a medical leave for the next two weeks. If he needs more after that he can arrange it. But, at least for the next couple of weeks he has nothing to worry about. All of his cases are being divided up. The DA knows he was assaulted, but none of the other A.D.A.'s know the details. We're doing our best to keep this all confidential."

"I'll let him know."

"Alright. I'll let you know as soon as the rape kit comes in. Call me if you two need anything. Even if you need talk. This is stressful for you too. It can't be easy to see Barba breaking down like this."

"Liv, thanks a lot...for everything."

Yawning and stretching, Barba tried to savour the last seconds before getting out of bed. When he opened his eyes, he was confused by his surroundings, momentarily forgetting that he had fallen asleep on the couch in Munch's lap. Pulling the blankets to the side he ruefully sat up and rubbed his head. Until he sat up, he had also forgotten the pain; his body seemed to hurt in more places than it didn't. Furious with himself for letting the assault happen, his eyes involuntarily filled with tears from the pain. Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself and wiped his eyes.

"Sleep well?" The sound of Munch's voice surprised him.

"Yeah, finally. Did you?"

"Yeah, not too bad. I'm going to put on some coffee. Benson stopped by and dropped us off some breakfast. Huang is here, but take your time."

Barba ran his fingers through his hair and nodded. "Ok. I really need a pill. It hurts a lot again," he said as he got up and followed Munch into the kitchen.

Munch turned and looked at Barba, his bruises were out in full force now. Large, angry blotches in varying shades of blue and purple covered him, and now the shape of a hand and ligature marks were outlined on his neck. "Let me get them for you...Here you go," he said, passing the pill bottle as Barba swallowed them with some water.

"Hi," Barba said, looking at Huang.

"Good morning. How are you today?"

"Mmm...ok."

"That's good. Here," said Huang, holding the box of bagels towards Barba, "you have got to try one of these."

"I'm not that hungry yet, thanks."

"You have got to eat," insisted Munch.

"I will. I just really need a shower first."

"Ok." Munch smiled at him. "But you have to promise to eat something after."

Barba returned Munch's smile. "I promise."

After his shower Barba forced himself to look in the mirror as he shaved and combed his hair into his trademark side part. He was horrified at his appearance, the bruises were worse than yesterday and his eyes looked dead and dull, matching how he felt - which was lifeless. Unable to stand looking at himself any longer he stared at the sink as he brushed his teeth and rinsed. The sight of his own reflection in the mirror once again caused feelings of self loathing and disgust to swell in him again. Even though he was alone, he shyly pulled a towel around his shoulder to cover himself. No one could possibly hate him more than he did himself. _I deserved everything that has ever happened to me. Why is John even being nice to me?_

Munch's stomach rumbled in hunger as he waited for Barba to finish his shower. He turned on a fresh pot of coffee and set the table, hoping that Barba wouldn't be long. He and Huang chatted as Barba came back to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water from the fridge.

"Feeling better?" asked Munch.

Barba spun around on his heel and stood there, back up against the fridge, staring at nothing. Huang and Munch sat back in their chairs observing him.

"Rafael? Are you feeling better?" Munch asked.

Barba's heart pounded in his chest as he caught sight of the man, his attacker, standing in front of him, grabbing at him, putting his hands around his neck, and yelling at him. A pained groan escaped him and his mouth opened in shock as the attacker trapped him against the wall.

"Rafael?" asked Huang.

Barba moaned and shook his head as he softly whimpered and closed his eyes.

"Hey, Rafael. It's ok. You're ok," said Munch.

He trembled and whispered under his breath. Shaking his head he quietly begged for his attacker to stop hurting him. 

"Rafael?" Munch couldn't take it anymore. He pushed his chair back from the table, unable to watch Barba suffer anymore. Huang motioned for Munch to sit down, but it was too late.  

Barba's head jerked in his direction and dropped the glass in his hand. The sound of Munch's chair against the tiled floor startled him. He gasped and jumped back against the fridge as the glass hit the floor and shattered. For a split second, he stood staring at his now empty hand before he turned and ran from the kitchen.

"Rafael. Wait." Munch carefully stepped around the shards of glass on the floor and set off after Barba. _God, please, let him calm down. Don't let him hurt himself._

"John, wait. Don't chase him," Huang instructed. He sighed and followed Munch.

"Damn, George. He's going to get hurt."

As Munch turned the corner out of the kitchen he saw Barba trip on the carpet runner in the hall. He fell to the floor hard and screamed, covering his head with his hands.

"Rafael, it's ok. It's ok. Open your eyes. Look at me."

"Give him space," said Huang as he put his arm out, blocking Munch from getting too close.

They stood a few feet away from Barba, giving him some room. Munch  resisted the temptation to reach out to touch and comfort him. Barba pulled his knees underneath him and tried to stand but lost his balance in his panic. He rolled onto his side, curled up into a ball and became eerily silent.

"Rafael, come on now. Open your eyes. It's me. Huang is here. We're here to help you. No one is going to hurt you." Munch looked at Huang with desperation.

"You're in your own home. You're safe now. You are in control here. Just open your eyes and realize where you are," Huang added.

Barba lay quiet for a moment before he could no longer contain himself. He began to hyperventilate and turned onto his back kicking his legs and flailing his arms, hitting them against the wall. His head banged against the floor as he violently thrashed about. He grabbed a vase from the lower tier of a wooden stand and hurled it at Huang and Munch. He sat up and toppled the stand over and reached for the glass sculpture that fell from it. Picking it up he smashed it repeatedly on the floor beside him. Shards of glass rained down until he threw the remaining fragment in his hand at Munch. Droplets of blood sprayed the floor and the wall. Sobbing hysterically he gasped for breath. He fell to his side and reached for a large piece of glass. Drops of blood dripped from Barba's clenched fist as he held it precariously close to his head.

The sight of Barba holding the glass close to his face and his flailing body was cringe inducing. Huang and Munch looked at each other, knowing that they would have no choice but to restrain him. They each quickly slipped on their shoes and heard the glass crunch beneath their feet as they approached the flailing Barba. They couldn't stand by and watch him hurt himself further.

"Take his arms, can you get his head and upper body off the floor?" asked Huang.  

Munch took hold of Barba's arm and tried unsuccessfully to pry open his fist. Barba screamed again and arched his back. He brought his heels towards him in a futile effort to stand up, but his feet scrambled on the floor and slid away from him. Munch reached his arm around Barba's shoulder and lifted his upper body off the floor. He managed to get both arms around him and grasped each of Barba's wrists so that his arms were crossed in front of him. He held him tightly, mindful of Barba's broken ribs and being careful not to put too much pressure on his chest, well aware that people have died while being restrained. He struggled to hold him as Barba twisted his body from side to side trying to break free.

"Rafael, open your eyes," Munch said to him, trying to bring him back to the present. His words fell on deaf ears, Barba was completely hysterical and there was no reassuring him. He kept his eyes shut as he screamed, cried and fought against him. Huang managed to dodge kicks and checked Barba's racing pulse. Munch tightened his grip on him slightly while Huang pried open Barba's fist and threw the piece of glass down the hall. He inspected Barba's bleeding palm, it didn't appear to be cut too deeply, but he ran to the kitchen and brought back some paper towels and stuffed them into his clenched hand. Barba brought his feet close to him again, lifted his hips and arched his back, nearly pushing Munch over. Huang grasped his bent legs and held them tightly. Barba screamed at his touch and tried to escape from the two men who were only trying to help him. Although restrained, his body twisted and writhed desperately, panting as he struggled in vain to free himself.

Munch's eyes filled with tears for his poor friend, but this was no time to let his emotions take over. "We have to get him away from this glass. Down the hall that way," he said tilting his head backwards. "You ready?"

Huang nodded and braced himself as he tightened his grip on Barba's legs.

"Ok, count of three. One, two, three."

Barba screamed and struggled as the two men lifted him up and carried him further down the hall. As they gently lowered him to the floor, he tried rolling out of their grasp but they each maintained their firm grip on him.

Eventually, Barba grew weaker but he continued his fight against them. His screams subsided into soft sobs and whimpers. He would become motionless, but would suddenly buck and twist his body. His strength was fading and the heavier his breathing became the weaker his efforts were. Sweat and tears poured from him. His face was red and his breathing grew even more rapid.

"Please," Barba begged. "I can't breathe," he whispered. In his struggle to free himself, his shirt became bunched up and exposed the bruises on his stomach. He lifted his hips off the floor and flung his head backwards nearly hitting Munch's face.

"George, I can't do this. He can't breathe," Munch said as he loosened his grip on Barba.

"Can you hang in there?" Huang asked.

"I'm not tired. He's terrified. He trusted me."

"Don't let him go. He's not done yet. He still trusts you. Just don't let him go," Huang said as Barba tried kicking and twisting away again.

Munch looked down at Barba's face, flushed and soaked with sweat. He shook his head and prayed that Barba would forgive him.  _He thinks we're going to rape him. I'm sorry Rafael. I'd never hurt you._

"I'll do what ever you want. Please... Let me go...," Barba whispered through heavy breaths.

Barba panted harshly and struggled. Sweat soaked through his shirt. Munch felt Barba's heart pounding and loosened his grip even more, afraid that they would accidently kill him.

"Please...I promise...I I can't breathe." Barba drew sharp, noisy breaths.

"Take a deep breath and open your eyes," Munch instructed him. "Come on, just take a deep breath."

Huang loosened the hold he had on his legs and gently lowered them to the ground. Exhausted, Barba's head fell forward and he became frighteningly still and limp. Huang slowly crept closer to Barba and took his pulse again.

"Just keep holding him John. Hold his head up, he's all slumped over."

Munch adjusted his grip on Barba and cupped his chin to keep his head up and airway clear.

"Please... I'll do anything..." Barba whispered, his head soaked with sweat. "I I don't feel well," he said, coughing and gagging.

"John, just hold him. Talk to him. Let him know he's ok." Huang stood up and quickly went into the kitchen and came back with a glass of water and a bowl. "In case he gets sick," Huang said when he returned.

"Rafael. It's me. It's John. It's over. I'm here now. You're ok."

Huang knelt and passed the water to Munch, who held the glass to Barba's lips. He closed his mouth and turned his head away. Munch passed the glass back to Huang and sat Barba straight up. His body, which moments earlier was full of fight, was now limp and pliable in Munch's arms.

Maintaining his hold on his chin Munch spoke calmly to him, "Come on. Open your eyes. You're at home and everything's ok." Barba sat propped up against Munch gasping loudly. When Munch felt him tense up and start to heave, he reached for the bowl and held it to Barba's mouth. Huang went to the bathroom and returned with some dampened facecloths. Barba vomited a few times before Munch felt him go slack in his arms. "Rafael?!" he said, alarmed.

He turned Barba's head so he could see his face and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that his eyes were open. He sat motionless against Munch, staring at nothing, zoned out. Munch took one of the cloths and gently wiped around Barba's mouth. He took the other cloth and patted at the back of Barba's neck and forehead wiping away sweat and tiny drops of blood. Huang opened Barba's hand and wiped his blood soaked palm.

"What should we do?" Munch asked Huang.

"Lets just give him a few minutes. If he doesn't come out of it we'll get him to bed."

"What was that? A flashback? A panic attack?"

"Probably both," Huang answered sadly.

"God. How much more can this poor kid take?" Of course Barba was no kid, but compared to Munch he was.

"I don't know..."

Barba lifted his arm to his forehead and whimpered quietly. His teeth chattered and he broke out in a cold sweat and vomited until his stomach was empty. He gagged as he dry heaved, his entire body jerking with each retch. Munch held the glass of water to Barba's mouth, tilted it slightly and encouraged him to drink. He took a tiny sip and leaned back against Munch.

"Are you ok here for a minute?" Huang asked.

"Yeah. Can you get me some fresh cloths?"

"Sure," said Huang picking up the used facecloths. He returned quickly and passed the cloths to Munch. "I'm going to try and clean up a bit."

"Ok, thanks," said Munch as he wiped around Barba's mouth and nose. He pressed a cool cloth to Barba's forehead as he sat lifeless against Munch. 

"George?" Munch called. "Look." He picked up one of Barba's arms and let it go watching as it fell listlessly to the floor.

"It's ok. He's checked out. He's shut down, like his brain is turned off."

Huang found a broom and dustpan and busied himself sweeping the glass off the kitchen floor before turning his attention to the hallway. Munch sat with Barba, propping him up and talking softly to him.

Barba turned to Munch, a look of recognition slowly crept across his face. "John?" he mouthed as tears silently streamed down his cheeks.

"Yes. It's John. I'm here with you."

Barba stared at Munch, confused and devoid of energy. He opened his mouth but he was so drained that no words came out. Barba turned away again and leaned sideways.

Munch helped Barba to lie down on the floor. "I'm going to help you roll onto your side. I have to touch your shoulder and your waist ok?" Munch rolled Barba to his side, watching his face intently for signs of returning panic. Munch carefully explained each step to him as he placed him in the recovery position. He knelt on the floor feeling Barba's hot forehead and checking his pulse. He wiped Barba's face and head with a cool cloth and cleaned the cuts on his hand.

Huang appeared in the hallway. "Rafael? Do you mind if I just sweep up around here. I'm going to have to move the rug. There's some broken glass here, and I need to clean it up. Is that ok?"

Barba's eyes blinked. "Ok," he whispered.

Huang rolled up the carpet runner and pushed it aside, it would have to be vacuumed later. He swept up the broken glass, double checking the floor to make sure he got every last piece. When he finished he returned to Munch and Barba.

"I'd like to get him to the couch," Munch told Huang. "I can keep an eye on him there."

Munch bent down next to Barba. "Do you want to go and lie down?"

"Ok."

"Can you get up?"

Barba tried to sit, his arms shaking as he propped himself up.

"Can we help you stand up?" Munch asked.

"Yeah."

Huang and Munch bent down and gently helped Barba to his feet.

"You're ok, you're fine," Munch reassured him. Huang and Munch supported him under his arms and carefully walked him towards the living room. He leaned on them heavily, his legs dragging as his feet stumbled and tripped. He suddenly swayed as his knees buckled underneath him. Physically exhausted, he nearly fell to the ground. Munch grabbed his waist and steadied him.

"This isn't going to work," Munch said to Huang as he bore the weight of Barba's tired body. They put his arms around their shoulders, lifted his legs, and carried him to the living room.

They sat Barba on the couch. He was so lifeless that he practically flopped over as soon as Huang and Munch released their hold on him. Munch lifted Barba's legs for him, and gave a slight twist to his hips and shoulders so that he would lie on his side. Barba moaned when Munch moved the pillow from underneath his head and placed it between his arm and chest. "You have to lie like this, Rafael, just for awhile," Munch said, kneeling down to the floor. He finished his sentence just as he noticed that Barba was already asleep. From the kitchen, he retrieved a hand towel and placed it under Barba's face and put a small garbage can next to the couch, just in case he were to be sick again.

"John," Huang said as he entered the living room. "Will you be ok if I come back later to check in on him? I still have some work to do at the office."

"I think so. We should be fine."

"He's probably going to sleep for awhile now. If you need anything just call."

Munch searched the medicine cabinets for some first aid supplies. The cuts on Barba's hand weren't too deep, but they needed to be cleaned properly and bandaged. He returned to the living room and knelt down on the floor. Taking Barba's hand he dapped around the wounds with a warm cloth and applied some antibiotic ointment. Next, he unwrapped a sterile pad and placed it in Barba's palm and secured it in place with gauze. Barba's eyes fluttered a few times, but he didn't fully wake up. When he was finished he leaned close to Barba's ear and even though he was sleeping, whispered into it, "I'm so sorry if I scared you. I'll be just in the other room if you need anything." He placed his hand on Barba's head, lingered for a few seconds and then left to finish cleaning the mess in the hall. He quickly vacuumed the carpet runner, ensuring that all of the shards of glass were picked up.

Munch threw the used facecloths in the washing machine and scrubbed the droplets of blood off of the wall and floor. He straightened the stand that Barba had knocked over and double bagged the garbage containing  the  broken glass. He sighed, if Barba didn't remember what happened, surely he would question the missing vase and sculpture. _How am I going to explain that to him if he doesn't remember?_

When he finished cleaning it was finally time for Munch to sit down to his much anticipated breakfast. He savoured every bite slowly sipped on his coffee as he perused the days headlines. He forced himself to concentrate on the news of the day, the moment his mind was idle he chastised himself for being the cause of Barba's violent outburst. _Why didn't I just leave him alone? I had to stand up and freak him out. Huang warned me not to chase him._ Perhaps the outburst would have happened anyway, but Munch had a hard time not blaming himself. He tried to push those thoughts out of his mind, as being consumed with guilt wouldn't help anyone. Finished with his breakfast he packed up the remaining bagels and put them away for Barba.

Sighing to himself he went to check on Barba. He approached him cautiously, making sure that he was still sleeping on his side, and checked to see if he had vomited again. Munch pulled a blanket over him and adjusted his injured hand so that it was elevated slightly on the pillow.

Munch retreated to the kitchen and began to flip through some of the paperwork that Benson had earlier delivered. He worked solidly for a couple of hours straight, interrupted by a phone call from Benson and Fin each. Neither had updates on had Barba's perp., but at least the rape kit samples were at lab awaiting processing. While talking to Fin, Munch considered telling his long time partner about the episode with Barba, but decided against it. He didn't want Fin to worry, and, he didn't want to betray Barba again.

After sleeping for some time, Barba woke up, but he didn't feel rested. He held his bandaged hand in front of him, examining it curiously and wincing as he open and closed his hand. Fragments of memories came back to him. He recalled throwing things at Huang and Munch in a panicked fit, screaming and having a full blown temper tantrum. The details of what occurred were confusing and vague, but he knew that his behavior was terrible. Munch had been so kind and patient, but even he must have a breaking point. Barba sighed, certain that Munch had left, not that he could be blamed, who would put up with such childish outbursts.

Barba was stunned when he reached the kitchen and realized that Munch was still there. Barba stood silent for a moment, mouth open in shock.

"You're still...here?" Barba finally managed to put words together.

"Of course. I said I'd be here with you for as long as you need." Munch smiled and pulled out a chair, patting the seat.

Wordlessly Barba sat down. He glanced at Munch and felt his face flush. "I thought you would have left for sure."

"I made a promise to you, didn't I?"

"I know. I just thought that after what happened..."

"Rafael, I'm sorry."

"Sorry? What are you sorry for?"

"I didn't mean to scare you, or to hurt you."

"Oh...I don't remember all of what happened.  Just that I freaked out and I threw things. I don't know why...I don't think you scared me." Barba looked at his hands, then back at Munch. "I'm so sorry."

"It's alright. It wasn't your fault."

Barba shrugged his shoulders. "Did you put this on my hand?" he asked, pointing to his bandages.

Munch nodded. "You cut your hand on some glass. You don't remember?"

"Not really...I can't believe you looked after my hand," Barba said, as a tear slid down his cheek. "Thanks."

"You're welcome...Now, time for you to eat," Munch said, as he got up and passed the bagels to Barba and poured him a coffee.

"John," said Barba, pausing as he spread some cream cheese on his bagel. "Why are you being so nice to me? I can't believe you looked after me after what I did."

"I'm being nice to you because I care about you. You're a good person, and you just needed some help. What happened this morning wasn't your fault. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I guess I freaked out. The last thing I really remember doing is having a shower. After that, I was here in the kitchen. Then, I was on the floor screaming and throwing things. I remember breaking something, and then you and Huang lifting me up. Then I woke up on the couch. It's all kind of like a dream."

Munch filled Barba in the detail of the mornings events. He maintained his usual calm and even-keeled demeanor. Showing emotion over the episode would not help. Barba sat fidgeting as he listened to Munch's explanation of what had taken place. He felt guilty and embarrassed, and desperately wondered how he let himself lose control over his own behaviour.

"Is there anything you want to ask me?" Munch asked.

"No, but I guess just what I told you about my dad. Please, don't tell anyone. Everyone already knows about what happened the other night. I don't want anyone to know about what happened with my dad. I'm just so embarrassed about everything already," Barba said, as he put his plate into the sink. He followed Munch back into the living room.

Munch sat down and looked up at Barba. "Rafael, I promise I won't. I know you're ashamed of what happened, but you have to believe me, you shouldn't be. It will take time for you to realize that, but you're not the one who should be embarrassed. I really think that you should tell Huang about it though. He can help you, and he wouldn't tell anyone. Anything you say to him, or to me is confidential. I promise. Have you thought about telling him?"

Barba sat down next to Munch. "I don't know what I think. I don't even know who I am anymore... I just don't think I can do this anymore. John, I wish that he would have just killed me. It's worse that he let me live. I know that I can't get over it this time, I tried not to ever think about my dad...Now, I have all of this in my head. I know it's not going to get better."

"Don't say that. It will get better. It'll take time, Rafael. It hasn't even been two days yet."

"I can't. I can't live through all of this again. It took forever to get over everything from before. It's all back, but worse now."

"I know, I can't imagine."

"How am I going to get over this?"

"I don't think you'll get over it, I think that you will learn to live with it. You're a survivor, and it will get better. It won't be easy, but you'll get there, I promise you."

"That's just it. I don't think I want to try. It's just too hard."

"I know that's how you feel. Give it time. I know it's bad now, you're going to have hard days, days that are really bad. But, you'll start to have better days too. Trust me."

"I told Huang that I really wished I knew you better before. You're such a nice person, I can't believe how your so nice to me. I don't think that many people like me much. I'm kind of an asshole."

"Well, no you're not an asshole. I don't think there's anyone who would say that about you."

"See? Now you're just being nice to me."

"And, why shouldn't I be nice to you?"

Barba shrugged and looked away. "I don't know," he said softly.

"Do you think that I shouldn't be nice to you?"

"I guess." Barba took a deep breath. "I told Huang that I wished that you... you were my dad."

"Really? That's such a nice thing to say. It means a lot. I'll tell you something too. If you were my son, I'd be so proud of you."

"I don't know why my dad did those things to me. What about me made him want to do that to me?"

"It wasn't you. It was him. I don't know what made him hurt you, but he wanted power and control. It wasn't anything you did." 

"It has to be though. What made that man attack me the other night? If he just wanted to rob me, I'd understand. But, no, he raped me too. So, him and my dad...My dad said that I brought it on myself, but I don't know what he meant. I can't figure it out. But, there's something about me. There has to be."

"It wasn't your fault, please, if you listen to anything I say, believe this - it wasn't your fault. There was nothing that you could have done to make people do that to you. Have you ever prosecuted a case where you thought it was the victims fault?"

"No."

"So, then why are you different?"

"My dad said it was. Everyday almost he always said how bad I was... I made him sick, that's what he used to say. He called me names, he said I wanted to him to do those things, that I was the one who started it. He said not to tell anyone, ever. He would hit me and call me names, but I loved him though. I don't know why he hated me so much... Why did he hate me?"

"I don't know. But he lied to you. You weren't the bad one. He was. You were a child, there is nothing that you could have done to make him abuse you like that. He filled your head with lies. You believed him because he was your dad, and you had no choice but to believe the lies he told you. But now, you have to see that you weren't the one who was bad."

Barba shook his head sadly. "What about the other night? Why did he do that to me? He said things that my dad did. I had to tell him that I liked it..."

"Rafael, he wanted to control you. Just like your dad. He wanted power. You know that rape is about power right?"

"Yeah, I know. It's just, why? Why me, with him and my dad? There has to be something about me... I just don't know what."

Munch slipped his arm around Barba's waist and pulled him close. Barba leaned into him, resting his head on Munch's shoulder. "I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's not fair. There was nothing about you, it's nothing you did. Your dad, was a child molester. That's on him, not you. The person that attacked you is a rapist. That's why they did it," Munch explained, hoping that Barba would believe him. Barba's position as a sex crimes prosecutor was making for a bizarre psychological dynamic. Here he was, a victim of the same kind of people that he prosecuted, yet he still blamed himself. Why couldn't he understand? He hoped that Huang would be able to make some sense of this.

"I don't know why they let me live. The man that attacked me, and my dad. I used to be afraid that my dad would kill me, now I wish he would have."

"You know what? I'm glad that he didn't. I don't want you to think like that. I hate that you think that. You're going through so much right now, and I can't imagine what that would be like. I know it's so overwhelming, but Rafael, it'll get better. I promise."

"Sometimes, I just... hate who I am. I mean it. I hate myself. Ever since the other night especially. John, I'm so scared. What am I going to do? What if I don't get better from this? How am I supposed to live?"

Lost for words, Munch gently rubbed Barba's shoulder. Filled with despair and blinking away tears, Barba leaned in closer and closed his eyes. Taking a deep breath, Munch said, "I don't know, but here's what I do know. I'll be here to help you, and so will Huang if you let us. Tell Huang everything that you've told me. He can help, and I know he wants to help. Let him help Rafael, tell him your secrets, the way you told me. Tell me how you're feeling, don't hold it in. You can tell me anything ok? Just remember that you're not alone anymore. You spent your entire life hiding the truth from people, and even from yourself. You don't have to do that anymore. You didn't have anyone to help you, but now you do, don't ever forget that."

"It's so hard. I don't know how I'll do it. I don't like letting people get to know me much, I just find it easier to be alone most of the time."

"I know, I know." Munch debated with himself before finally broaching a subject that he had been afraid of asking Barba earlier. "Rafael, can I ask you something? If you don't want to talk about it, I'll understand."

"Umm... sure."

"Did your mom not know that your dad was abusing you? I mean, she never noticed anything?"

Barba sat silent, leaning his head against Munch's shoulder for several minutes. "I never told anyone. She didn't know everything that he did. She was out or in bed when it happened."

"What do you mean by everything?"

"He hit me. She knew that..."

"So she never knew about the sexual abuse? She never saw signs?"

Squirming a bit, Barba said, "If I got umm... dirty, my dad made me wash myself. So I guess, she never found out. I never told her."

Munch sat quietly taking in what Barba had told him. He didn't want to push the issue, so he accepted what Barba said. _Poor baby, how terrible that must have been for him._ "Good god, how horrible," Munch said, unable to contain his disgust. "I can't imagine how hard that was for you."

Barba leaned against the couch and put his hands to his head. "Some of the cases I work on, make me think of my dad. I didn't think about it too much, I just really wanted to forget it all. I tried so hard not to think about him, but, I'll be honest, some of the cases were bringing it back. I was even having some nightmares before I got raped. Sometimes, I'd have a dream, where I'm a little kid again, and it's all happening. But then, I realise, that I wasn't even asleep, I'd be in the bathtub or crying on the floor." Barba's face flushed in shame.

"Well that's not unusual. That's why you need to deal with it all instead of burying it. That's why I said you have to let people help you. "

"I guess so..." Barba leaned into Munch again. "Sometimes I act like I'm really cold and callous, it's kind of on purpose. It's like I can't get hurt if people don't get close. It kind of keeps people away from me you know? I don't like letting people get close."

"Rafael, let people in. Let Huang help, and let me help. You can't do it alone."

"I can try."

Munch smiled and patted Barba's knee. "That's a great start, Rafael."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**He Knew**

 

Barba stared at the clock on the kitchen wall. 3:00 already. Time was going by too quickly, and he wished desperately for it to slow down. Huang would be coming in only an hour from now, and Barba was dreading his visit. He knew that Munch was right, 100% right in fact - he had to disclose his deepest and darkest thoughts and secrets to Huang if he were to overcome his painful past. It wasn't going to be easy, but, at least he had taken the first step in healing by telling Munch.

 _Poor, kind Munch, tolerating me, helping me through this._ Barba felt a pang of guilt wash through him. _I've unloaded a lot on him and he didn't ask to be thrust into this, this babysitting. He has no obligation to me._ _How am I ever going to repay him for this?_ Barba secretly hoped that he and Munch would maintain their newfound friendship when this was all over. _Would Munch feel the same way?_  Barba knew that Munch couldn't very well move in with him permanently, but still he dreaded the day when he would be left alone.

"Huang will be here soon," Munch's voice broke Barba's solitude.

Barba nodded and began unloading the dishwasher. "Would it be ok if you stayed while I talk with him? I mean, if we all talked together?" asked Barba, as he stacked plates in the cupboard. He turned hopefully to Munch.

"Well, I'm not sure. If you want, you can ask Huang when he gets here. Do you think it might be better if you talked to him alone?"

"Can you stay, just for a bit?"

"If Huang says it's ok, then sure."

"I just feel so nervous, like I'm getting panicked again..." Barba couldn't possibly explain how odd it felt to be delving up issues from his childhood. Secrets, that until yesterday, he had kept to himself for years. It hurt, physically and emotionally to talk and think about his father. He had worked so hard to overcome his past, but it was now obvious that his attempts to erase his history had failed miserably. He couldn't make anyone, even Munch, understand that even though his father was dead, he was still breaking his promise to him. Sure his father was now dead, but Barba was consumed with a strange combination of guilt and terror at the thought of telling anyone about what his father had done to him. Barba closed the door to the dishwasher and put away the last of the cutlery. Taking a deep breath he turned and looked at Munch.

"Try to calm yourself."

"I'm ok, just nervous," Barba said, as he sat at the table next to Munch.

"Have you thought about telling Huang about your father?"

"I don't know..." He swallowed hard. "I know I should, but then I think I shouldn't. That's why I wanted you there, to make me." He leaned his chin on his hand. "John, it's so weird. Until I told you, I haven't ever talked about this stuff. It's like something that's so, deep in me, but it's not deep. It doesn't make any sense."

"I know it's confusing. Talking with Huang will help you understand. It'll help you make sense of things. I wouldn't tell you that if I didn't believe it myself."

"I know."

A wave of embarrassment came over Barba as he opened the door for Huang. His face flushed and he avoided looking Huang in the eyes. "Thanks for coming back. I'm sorry about this morning," he mumbled.

"That's ok. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Feeling sheepish, Barba led Huang to the living room. "Is it ok if John stays? Just for a little while?" Barba asked before sitting down.

"Sure, whatever makes you feel comfortable. Is that what you want?"

Barba sat next to Munch on the couch. "Yeah, I think so."

"And what about you John? You're ok with that?"

"That's fine with me. Rafael just needs a bit of moral support right now."

"Ok, Rafael, is there something in particular that you'd like to talk about?"

"Umm... no, not really," he said.

"It could be anything," Huang prodded.

"I don't think so. No."

Munch looked at Huang and then at Barba and said, "Rafael, it's ok. You know you can talk about anything right? We're just here to help."

"I know," Barba said, as his eyes drifted to the ceiling and then to the window.

Huang took a sip of his coffee and studied Barba intently. "Are you that uncomfortable right now that you can't look at anyone?"

"I don't know what to talk about. I'm so fucked up, I don't know where to start."

"Why are you fucked up?"

"I just am."

"But why? Because you were raped?"

"Yeah. Because of that, because of everything. Ask John. He knows."

"I'm asking you Rafael."

Barba shook his head and looked out the window. "Can you tell him, John?"

"Rafael, you can tell him. You told me. Tell George just what you told me."

"Tell me Rafael. It's ok, nothing you say will go past this room."

Barba maintained his stare at the window and rubbed his eyes.

Munch sighed and touched Barba's shoulder and looked at Huang. Barba turned to Munch and buried his face in his hands.

"I want you to say the words," Munch whispered to Barba.

"My dad hurt me," he said, his voice muffled.

"Did you say your dad hurt you?" asked Huang.

"Yeah."

"What happened? Can you tell me about it?"

Barba leaned against the arm of the couch and curled into a ball. He squirmed as horrors from his childhood replayed in his mind.

"What's going on, Rafael? Can you tell me about how your dad hurt you?"

"There," Barba said, pointing to his groin.

"He sexually abused you?"

Barba sat up and nodded. "I don't like to talk about it. I really want to forget it."

"It must be very hard to talk about. So, before you told John, who else did you tell?"

"I didn't tell anyone."

"I have to ask you this, do you still have contact with your father?"

"No, he's dead."

"Do you remember how old you were when the abuse started?"

"I think I was around 8..."

"How old were you when it ended do you remember?"

"Well, until I was 17 I guess."

"No one ever found out what was happening to you?"

"Only John, and now you."

Barba tried his best to remain composed as he told Huang about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father. Talking about it really wasn't making him feel any better at all. It was painful, embarrassing and uncomfortable. Barba responded to Huang's questions with one word answers as often as he could and avoided answering other questions all together.

Huang sensed Barba's discomfort and didn't press the topic too deeply. He followed Barba's lead, focusing on certain issues when he seemed engaged and dropping other topics when he became quiet and distant. After an hour Barba become less and less responsive to Huang's questions and suggestions. He began to fidget, shrug his shoulders and look away instead of speaking. Huang could tell that Barba had had enough for the day.

"Well, Rafael, is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"

"Not really."

"Ok. Well I think we've talked enough for today. Can I come back and talk with you again sometime soon?"

"Sure."

"Alright. Here's my card. You can call me anytime," Huang said, as he stood up and picked up his briefcase.

"Thanks."

Barba followed Huang and Munch to the door and retrieved Huang's coat from the closet.

"Rafael, I mean it. You call me if you need to talk. It's not going to be easy, but it'll get better," Huang said, as Barba passed him his coat.

Barba locked the door and breathed a sigh of relief when Huang left, he was tired of talking.

"How are you feeling?" Munch asked.

"Good."

"Did talking to Huang help?"

"I guess, but I'm so tired of it all. I just can't do it anymore."

"Ok, that's understandable. You've been through so much. You need to get your mind off of things I guess?"

"Yeah, I really do. I wish we could go out or something. I feel so cooped up here. But, I just don't want people staring at me," Barba said as he checked himself out in the hall mirror. "My bruises are still pretty bad."

"Those are going to be faded in a few days. If you're feeling up to it, we can go for lunch or dinner. I'll take you to my favorite restaurant, how does that sound?"

Barba smiled happily for the first time since being attacked. "That sounds great! I really need to get out."

Munch was thrilled at Barba's response. _Maybe he's making progress._ "Ok, that's great to hear," Munch said. He pulled Barba into a hug and patted his back. Barba stiffened with shock at Munch's sudden move, but quickly relaxed and smiled at Munch's enthusiasm.

"Wow, am I that popular?" Barba asked, laughing for the first time in days. "It's not like I'm some kind of prize."

"Come on, sure you are." Munch smiled and teasingly tousled Barba's hair. Barba blushed and patted Munch's shoulder. In that brief moment, he had forgotten about all of the pain in his life.

Munch was beyond pleased that Barba managed to find humor in something, however minor. It was the first time in since the attack that Barba smiled a genuine smile. That positive moment set the tone for the rest of the day. Barba was able to function without breaking down. He made dinner for them both, and managed to have conversation without drifting away and panicking. Munch knew that this didn't mean that Barba had recovered from the attack, far from it in fact, but it certainly seemed to be a positive sign.

Barba spent the rest of the evening propped up on the couch watching a "Mad Men" marathon and snacking on a bowl of trail mix while Munch started in on the paperwork Benson had brought for him. Like a worried father, he frequently poked his head into the living room to check up on his friend. Barba smiled in appreciation each time Munch popped in on him.

"John," he said, after the third or fourth time Munch checked in. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me, you've done enough babysitting."

"I'm sorry, am I driving you crazy?"

"No." Barba smiled. "I just want you to be able to relax for a change. You have that work to do. You shouldn't have to coddle me."

"I'm done with the paperwork for tonight, and I don't mind coddling you. Everyone needs that once in awhile."

Barba shifted his position on the couch and made room for Munch to sit down beside him.

"How's the pain?"

"It hurts, a lot. It's worse at night or if  I move around a lot, but it's better than yesterday. I was going to get a pill, but I'm trying not to take them as often."

"You shouldn't be in pain though, you don't want it to get worse. It's only been a few days, no need to wean off them so soon. Do you want me to get them for you?"

"I can get them," Barba said, getting off the couch. "I have to start doing things for myself."

Barba took his pills and settled back onto the couch and covered himself with a blanket. It wasn't long before Barba's eyes blinked heavily. Passing the remote to Munch and yawning he said, "Those pills make me so tired. I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight. Have a good sleep."

"You too. Goodnight."

A couple of hours later, Barba was crushed when he awoke in panic from his nightmare. Despite the horrible start to his day, he had a good evening, watching TV and keeping his panic at bay. Perhaps he had been foolish or naïve, but he clung to the pleasantness of the evening with a quiet desperation, hoping that the "normalcy" of the evening would carry into the night and following days. It had been too good to be true he thought ruefully as he tried to stifle his sobs. Munch was so happy that things seemed better, and Barba was determined not to let him down. He buried his face in the pillow and held his breath so that Munch wouldn't hear his cries.

On top of his anxiety and fears, Barba felt guilty for making Munch deal with his issues. Munch hadn't asked for any of this either, and there was no way that he could continue to take time away from his own home and life to babysit. Barba was determined to persuade Munch to get back to his own life. To accomplish that, would mean that he would have to hide any further meltdowns and outbursts from him. It wouldn't be easy, but he made up his mind - he would force himself to hide his fears from this moment forward. Besides, burying his issues had mostly worked for him in the past, mostly.  It could work for him again. It would _have_ to have to work.

Barba lay in bed gasping as he wiped his eyes, feeling despondent and alone. He saw no possible way for this torture to end, and doubted whether or not his life would ever return to what it was before. He didn't even except to be happy, he had never personified the word, and happy was not     a term that anyone would use to describe Rafael Barba. At this moment, he would give anything to have his old, somewhat dour, life back. Tears welled in his eyes as he wished for his normal life, even though his "normal" would probably be fucked up compared to most peoples normal. Still it would be better than what his life had become, he thought. He closed his eyes tight and became frustrated when, sure enough, after a few moments a split second vision of his attacker came before him. Irate with himself, and purposefully ignoring the advice from Huang, he dug his fingernails into his arm until he broke the skin. He didn't care. It was then, that he decided that he would appease both Huang and Munch and pretend that everything was fine and getting much better. Now, all he would have to do is convince them of that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

  **Better**

As Barba completed his morning routine he reinforced the plan formulated in his mind overnight. He brushed his teeth and shaved as he pondered the best way to hide the bags under his eyes, tell-tale signs that he lacked sleep. Pausing briefly, he gazed at his reflection in the mirror. _I look like shit._ His eyes were red and watery, his dark hair accentuated the pallor of his skin and, the bruises on his face were turning an ugly shade of purple. He groaned and splashed cold water on his face and rechecked his appearance. Gently, he massaged his face in an attempt bring some color and to rid himself of his sickly looking appearance. Staring at the mirror, it was obvious that his attempts were futile.

He headed to the kitchen to find that Munch had already prepared breakfast for him.

"Benson is on her way over to stay with you for a bit," Munch told him, as Barba finished his eggs and toast.

"Oh? Ok..."

"I just have some chores to get done. I want to take my laundry home and get a change of clothes. Is that alright?"

Conflicting thoughts raced through Barba's mind. The idea of being alone terrified him, yet, this was his chance to alleviate his guilt and let Munch off the hook. "Can you call her and tell her not to come?"

"What? If you want, I can get Benson to pick up what I need and I'll stay," said Munch.

Barba stood up and rinsed his dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. "John, can I stay alone? I just hate the fuss over me."

"What?" Munch asked again, surprised. "Are you sure? It's no problem, really."

"Yeah, I'll be ok."

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"I'm sure. I think that I need to at least try."

"Ok, well, I'll call Benson. You make sure you call me if there's anything you need alright? I'll be gone a few hours, you sure you'll be ok?"

"John, I'm good. Don't worry about me."

Barba sighed and leaned against the door after locking it behind Munch. Part of him wanted to open the door, run after Munch and, beg him not to leave. With shaking hands he forced himself to sip on a coffee and read the paper. He became furious with himself as tears dripped from his eyes, down his cheeks and onto the newspaper. Tears dropped heavily onto the paper, making a soft "plop" as they hit the thick newsprint, he watched with fascination as the tiny wet circles distorted the print as they were absorbed into the paper. He wiped his eyes and went to go watch some TV.

A few hours went by before Munch returned, arriving with some take out Chinese for dinner. "Hi, how did it go?" he asked, as he set the containers of food on the table.

"Good," Barba said, setting the table. "Really good. I think I'm ready to be alone again. I'll be able to manage."

"Great. I don't want to be telling you what to do, but, maybe to be safe, you shouldn't go out anywhere alone just yet," Munch said, referencing the fact that Barba's attacker still had not been apprehended.

Barba nodded in agreement. "Makes sense," he said, helping himself to some BBQ duck.

"Don't forget, you can call me, day or night," Munch said. He worried that it was too soon to leave Barba alone, it hadn't been three days since the attack, but he didn't want to invade his space either.

"I think I'll be ok."

"I know you'll be ok. But, just remember, I'm a phone call away. If you need to go out, call me. I've got nothing to do tomorrow."

"Thanks, I'll call."

Barba was relaxed and he enjoyed the meal he shared with Munch. He became fascinated with Munch as a person, and was enthralled and entertained by Munch's conspiracy theories. He knew that he and Munch would become great friends, a commodity that Barba sorely lacked. Friendship didn't come easy for him, probably due to his low self esteem camouflaged by a veneer of arrogance. With Munch, Barba didn't feel the need to put up fronts. After everything that he had been through, after everything that they had been through together, there was no need to put up false pretences. Munch had become his rock and most trusted confidant, strange considering they had really only spent a few days together, and didn't know each other that well before hand. Barba didn't question the circumstances of his newfound friendship with Munch. Instead, he decided to accept and revel in it. He knew that sometimes shared experiences, however brief, could be the strongest thread that could hold two people together.

Munch had seen him at his worst, and still, he was here, sharing something as simple as Chinese food. It was Munch who held him, who let him rest his head in his lap, and who provided comfort to him while he relived his terror. Barba finally found the ability to share his deepest secret because of Munch. He had held those secrets to himself for decades, literally decades, and when he revealed those secrets to him, Munch held him and reassured his fears.

"You got this, kid," Munch said.

"I'm no kid, John."

"Well, you say that now. Wait until you're as old as I am. Then someone your age seems like a kid. I'd kill to be your age again," Munch said. He nearly said that he's old enough to be his father, but he stopped himself in time.

"I guess I'll find out one day."

"Alright, now I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but call me if you need anything. Even if you don't need anything, or you just want to talk ok? No going out alone, don't answer the phone unless you know who's calling, all of that stuff ok?"

"I know, I know. I'll be ok."

Munch put on his coat and smiled. "You're welcome. Rafael," he said. "Come here." He opened his arms and pulled Barba into a gentle embrace and softly patted his shoulder. "You're gong to be ok, kiddo. It was my pleasure to stay with you for the last few days," he said, bending down a bit and looking into Barba's eyes. He gave Barba a squeeze and rubbed his back. "You take care of yourself."

"I will, and you too," Barba said, as he smiled and pulled his head away from Munch's shoulder.

For the second time that day Barba locked the door behind Munch. Like before, he felt a wave of nervousness come over him, but he was determined to make it through the night without having to bother Munch.

Sheer will and determination were not enough to stop the onset of panic. He curled up in bed and was devastated when the nightmares began again. The regular sights and sounds emitted by his environment; sirens wailing in the distance, streetlights casting shadows, and the sound of the radiators coming to life struck terror into his heart and mind. Burying himself under his blankets he blocked the outside world. He may have been able to hide from the world, but there was nothing that could block the horrible memories in his mind. This was only his first night alone since he was attacked, how would he get through it. He wondered how he would survive at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

Somehow, Barba made it through his first night alone, but it was far from easy. He had given in and called Munch a couple of times, under the guise of "just to chat." He never revealed to him how scared he was, and that the nightmares and flashbacks had continued. There was no point in telling Munch, it would only make him worry. Besides, he would be seeing Benson, Fin, and Munch in the morning. They were picking him up and taking him to the station to begin work with a sketch artist. He was dreading that, but it had to be done.

Munch had even convinced him to come for breakfast with them. Barba had been hesitant to accept the invitation as his face still looked horrible, and he didn't want people to stare. However, Munch talked him into it, and it was something to look forward to. Something normal, and lord knows, Barba needed something normal in his life. Coming up with a composite of his rapist with a sketch artist was defiantly not normal, so Barba hoped that the normalcy of going for breakfast would counter-balance that just a bit.

Barba leaned against the tiled shower wall and slid to the floor. He shut his eyes tightly, unable to stand the sight of his rapist. He drew his knees to his chest and dug his fingernails into his arm. No matter how hard he pinched himself, the vision wouldn’t stop. The man picked him up and threw him against the wall, his hands reached out and wrapped around his throat and squeezed. _This isn’t real, this isn’t real._ He repeated the mantra over and over in his head, but still, the man continued his viscous assault.

Barba tried to stand. His feet slid pathetically on the wet shower floor and he landed on the shower floor with a thud, his head banging against the tile. The stainless steel rack which held his toiletries crashed to the floor beside him, dumping its contents, plastic bottles bounced around him like balls. Barba sat up gasping, terrorized. The vision of the man was over as quickly as it had begun, but the stress of the near constant stream of flashbacks, visions, and nightmares was getting to him. He was cracking up, the stress was too much and there was nothing that he could do to stop it.

With tears in his eyes, he looked down and watched as blood comingled with water and swirled down the drain. Steadying himself against the wall, he slowly stood up. _Calm down, it wasn’t real. Don’t be a baby._ "Stop it, stop it!" he screamed. Curling his hand into a fist, he pounded the tile wall and wept. He wanted to bolt from the shower but his hair was still soaked with shampoo, so he paused, took a deep breath, counted to ten like Huang had taught him, and rinsed himself off, his shoulders shaking in time with his sobs.

Gingerly he stepped out of the shower. His hands alternated between drying himself and holding a facecloth to the back of his head. Tears welled in his eyes. _When would this torture end? Will it ever end?_ He tossed the cloth into the sink and held a fresh one to his head as he hopped into his briefs. Swearing to himself, he struggled to put on his undershirt with only one hand.

Sitting on his bed he flipped the cloth over and kept pressure on his wound. He desperately wanted to phone Munch and tell him what happened. He reached for his phone but he stopped himself from placing the call, not wanting to bother him with every little thing. Besides, Munch had a life of his own. It was bad enough, not to mention embarrassing, that Munch had stayed with him for days after the attack, babysitting him and literally holding his hand. Barba tossed his phone back to the bedside table and examined the cloth, at least the bleeding had slowed down. He put his hand to his head, wincing as he carefully touched his injury. His head pounded dully and he needed a pain killer.

With shaking hands, Barba poured a glass of water and swallowed his pain killers. Reaching into his cabinet, he removed a bottle of scotch and poured himself a glass. He knew that he probably shouldn’t drink, but he needed one. He savoured the taste on his lips for a moment, before making his way to the living room. _Only one drink_. Maybe it would help him sleep, he thought, as if he needed to justify his actions to himself.

Barba sank into his couch and tried to relax. He picked up his television remote and flicked on the TV in an attempt to distract himself from everything. The phone suddenly rung startling him. It was Munch checking in and confirming with him that he would be along in the morning with Benson and Fin to pick him up.  “Alright, see you tomorrow,” Barba said, purposefully trying to sound chipper. He hung up the phone with Munch, somewhat proud of himself. He hadn’t whined on the phone about his last flashback and head injury despite his desire to.

Turning his attention back to the television, he settled on watching the local news. The phone rang again. “Hello?” he answered.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Wrong number,” said a man’s voice. The phone went dead in his ear. Barba held the phone in his hand and checked the caller id. 'Blocked Number', the display read. Before he had time to return the phone to its base it rang again. Shaking, he nearly dropped it to the floor. This time, he looked at the id before answering it. 'Blocked Number'.

“Hello?” 

“Oh sorry. I hit redial,” the voice on the phone said.

“No prob -“ Barba began, but the caller hung up in his ear.

Trembling, Barba put the phone down and took a long sip of his scotch. He hadn’t received a single phone call in the days that Munch had stayed with him. Now, all of a sudden he had two wrong numbers in a row? He began to think that he recognized the voice on the phone. _Was it the rapist calling to taunt me? Was he watching me? Calling when he knew I’d be alone?_

Heart pounding, he rushed to the door of his suite. His hands fumbled as he checked and rechecked the deadbolt. Panicked, he raced from room to room, shutting blinds and closing curtains, pausing only to slam shut the door to the guest room. He stopped and checked the deadbolt again and tried the door. Satisfied that he was safely locked in his suite, he leaned against the door for a moment, gaping and listening to his heart pound in his chest.

Barba wiped away a tear from his cheek and went to the living room. He sat on the couch and downed the rest of his drink. Instinct made him reach for the phone. He dialed the first few digits of Munch’s number, wanting to tell him that he thought his rapist had phoned him, but he stopped himself from making the call, and pressed the 'off' button.

He headed to the kitchen and poured himself another drink. Standing at the kitchen counter he took a tiny sip of the aged scotch, relishing the slight tingle and burn it left in his throat. When the sensation waned, he took another sip, and then downed the rest. The burn in his throat made him cough and sputter, but that didn’t stop him from pouring a third glass.

Feeling slightly buzzed, he made his way to the living room couch and sat down. He sipped at his drink and stared at the television. His eyes blinked heavily as he lay down, pulling the blanket partially over him and adjusting a pillow beneath his head. Barba was soon asleep, but not for long.

It was the rapist again, sitting beside him on the couch, leaning over, and smiling. The man stood and unzipped his pants, ripped the blanket off, and yanked down his pants. Barba cried as the man crawled on him, leering, and chocking him with his tie. The man's weight squeezed the air out of him as his mouth was forced open by brutal kisses.

Barba’s eyes flew open and he bolted upright. He pinched himself and flung the blanket to the floor. He was so terrorized, that he nearly wet himself, but managed to hold it in as he raced to the bathroom to relieve himself. Forgetting about his morning commitment, he headed to the kitchen and with shaking hands, poured another drink. He sipped it slowly, trembling so much that the liquid sloshed precariously around the rim of the glass.

Leaning on the counter his sobs came quietly at first. With each breath he took came another horrifying fragment of his past. He remembered his father on top of him, groping, and forcing him to touch him. He remembered being dragged by the arm down the hallway and being thrown on to the bed.

Barba collapsed to the floor as the room whirled around him. “Daddy,” he begged. “Please, I’m sorry,” he cried, as he was held over his father’s knee as he was spanked.

“You’re a bad boy, Rafael.” His father stood and threw him across the room like a ragdoll. 

Holding his head he whimpered and closed his eyes. “Daddy, please,” he sobbed.

He remembered having sex with men who didn't really love him, men who used his body for their pleasure alone. _Why didn't they love me? Am I that horrible? That's all I'm good for, I guess._ His life was full of regrets; he regretted sleeping with anyone who paid any attention to him when he was young, and he regretted his mistakes he made in past relationships, with men and women, all unsuccessful. Huddled on the floor, he saw no point in life anymore.

He rolled to his knees and pulled himself to his feet. Grasping his glass, he swallowed, ignoring the drunken buzz he already had. Stumbling slowly to his bedroom, he tossed his blanket and pillow to the floor and sat against the wall next to his dresser, the same spot where he had sat and rocked himself days earlier.

Barba closed his eyes, praying for relief from his tortured existence, a prayer that would not be answered anytime soon. He rhythmically rocked back and forth as he heard the man’s voice in his head, laughing at him and threatening him. Barba held his hands to his hears, desperate to stop the voice in his head. “It’s not real, it’s not real,” he repeated quietly. “It’s not real, it’s just a memory,” he said a little louder. “I’m safe, this isn’t real.” No matter how many times he told himself this, he couldn’t convince himself. Barba knew then that his pain and misery would not end, his agony would continue, and he would have to live with his misery for the rest of his life. Accepting this brought about a strange sense of internal peace. _This is it for me. This will be my life. I’m too hurt. Damaged goods. Damaged beyond repair._

His head pounded unrelentingly, he needed a painkiller and another drink. Feebly he opened the cap of his pain medication and poured another glass of scotch. Shaking two pills into his hand, he flinched at the sight of the scar on his palm. After taking the pills, he headed back to his bedroom, bringing with him the pill bottle and bottle of scotch, so that he wouldn’t have to get up if he needed either again.

Barba placed the bottle and pills on the floor. He grabbed his phone from his bedside table, finding comfort in having it close by in case he needed to call Munch. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he sat against the wall. He wiped his eyes with his arm and pulled the blanket over him. Something deep inside of him disturbed him greatly, but he wasn’t sure what. He reached for the phone and held it in his hand, but there was no point in calling Munch. He couldn’t help him anymore. Nobody could. Nothing could make him better.

Barba’s tears stopped flowing as he realized what he must do. Retrieving a pen and pad of paper from his bedside table, he scrawled a simple note, "I'm sorry." He brought the notepad back to his spot on the floor, opened the pills and poured another drink. He couldn’t go on like this anymore, he knew that. He swallowed the remaining pills and downed his drink and poured another. He tossed the phone across the room, so that he wouldn’t be tempted to call anyone for help, and leaned back against the wall.

It wasn’t long before Barba’s eyes felt heavy. He lay down, and snuggled into the pillow as he adjusted the blanket over him. A few frightening visions occurred to him as his eyes blinked, but he soon fell into a deep and peaceful slumber; his body relaxed, and his breath soft.

Munch sat in the back seat and pulled out his cell phone. He dialed Barba’s number and let it ring until it went to voicemail. “Hey Rafael, we’re on our way. Should be there in about 20. Call me back.”

Munch tried calling Barba back after about ten minutes.

“No answer,” he said to Benson and Fin.

“He’s probably just getting ready. It’s not like he’s able to move around too fast,” Fin said, turning to Munch.

“Maybe he’s waiting downstairs already, we’re a little behind,” said Benson, as she checked her watch. “You know Barba, he’s never late.”

A few minutes later the car pulled up in front of Barba’s building. Fin scanned the front of the building for him, while Munch dialed his number again.

“Hmm… No answer." Munch got out of the car and pressed Barba’s intercom button. He stood waiting for a moment and pressed it again. Munch turned back to the car.

“He’s not answering,” he called. Benson and Fin got out of the car and approached the building. Out of the corner of his eye, he spied a ladybug on the windowsill, upside down, struggling with its legs in the air. Gently, he took a card from his pocket and flipped the tiny insect over. Munch smiled sadly as they all watched as it crawled around and then flew away.

"What a softie," Fin said, as Munch used Barba’s spare key to let them in.

“He knew we were picking up right? He wasn’t meeting us at the restaurant was he?” asked Benson.

“No,” said Munch, as they all stepped into the elevator. “I talked to him last night. He knew we were coming to get him. I’m positive.”

“Maybe he forgot?” suggested Fin.

“Barba doesn’t forget anything,” said Benson.

“Yeah, well he’s not exactly himself these days,” Munch said, as they stepped off the elevator and walk down the hall to his apartment.

Fin knocked at Barba’s door and waited. “Barba?” he called as he knocked louder and pressed the buzzer on the doorframe.

“Rafael?” Munch called.

The three of them looked at each other, puzzled. Munch reached into his coat pocket and took out the key to Barba’s suite and opened the door.

At first, Barba thought he was dreaming when he heard knocking at his door. Seconds later, the sound was loud enough to rouse him from his sleep. Rubbing his eyes he saw the empty bottle beside him on the floor, a reminder of how much he must have drank last night. The empty pill bottle lay on the floor next to his hand. _Oh god, how many of those did I take?_   Suddenly he remembered that Benson, Fin and Munch were coming to pick him up. He had totally forgotten about that, and here he was, not even close to being ready.  _Shit._

Barba heard Munch calling him. “I’m coming," he said, getting up from the floor.

He nearly had nearly made it to the door when the deadbolt turned and the door swung open. Benson and Fin barely acknowledged him as they passed him in the entranceway of his suite.

Munch stared at him for a moment before passing him, heading for the kitchen. He looked around quickly and walked towards the living room. Barba followed him, nervous, knowing that they were angry with him for being late.

“John, I’m sorry. I must have slept in.” Munch looked at him but didn’t say anything. “Are you mad at me?” Barba asked. “I’ll by ready in five minutes,” he said, heading towards his bedroom to get dressed and run a comb through his hair. His face flushed in embarrassment, realizing that he had just greeted the three SVU members clad only in his underwear.

“John, call a bus!” Benson shouted from the bedroom.

Munch turned and sprinted down the hall into the bedroom, pulled out his cell phone and called for an ambulance. Barba wondered what had happened, his eyes widened he raced down the hall behind Munch.

Barba followed Munch into his bedroom and stopped, stunned at the sight before him. Benson and Fin were kneeling on the floor, tossing a blanket and pillow out of the way, rolling a lifeless body onto its back. Fin gave two rescue breaths, and Benson began chest compressions. Munch stood with his hands covering his mouth, "Oh my god," Munch said.

Barba pushed past Munch and looked at the person on the floor. His mouth dropped in horror when he realized that the person on the floor was him.

"John. What's going on? What's happening?" Barba asked, turning to Munch. "John, tell me. Please!"

“One, two, three, four, five…” Benson counted. Fin breathed into him again when she reached 30, they watched his chest rise and fall with each breath. “One, two, three, four, five…” she continued.

Barba stood surveying the scene before him. He looked at his body lying there, and then looked down at his arms and legs. He fell to his knees beside his body and stared in shock. He stood and looked down at his arms and legs -  all of the bruises were gone, even the scar on his palm was gone. His ribs didn't hurt and his headache was gone.

He looked around the room stood next to Munch. "John. John! Why won't you talk to me? What happened?" he pleaded, "John. Say something. Please."

Barba was confused and shocked. _Am I dead?_ He heard Benson and Fin counting and talking to each other as they were tried to revive him. Voices swirled and echoed and the room looked odd and tunnel like. It was a bizarre sensation, he was a bystander in the midst of the chaos, yet he was the centre of attention. _I'm dead._

“One, two, three, four, five…” Benson counted.

“Rafael, no, no. God, please, help him.” Munch knelt down beside him. "Rafael, why?" he asked through tears as he picked up a note with "I'm sorry" written on it. Munch examined the empty pill container and scotch bottle and wiped tears from his eyes.

Barba kneeled next to him and put his hand on his back. "Don't cry, John," Barba said, wondering if Munch could hear him. Barba looked back and forth between Munch and his body on the floor. He watched curiously as his chest was pressed over and over by Benson. Fin breathed into his mouth, then everyone, including Barba, looked hopefully, expectantly, at his chest as it expanded with the breaths Fin gave him. Fin put his ear to his mouth and closed his eyes listening and hoping. 

It was surreal, observing the moment as people tried to save his life. He didn't feel dead, not that he would know what death felt like. His body on the floor certainly looked dead though - even he could see the paleness of his skin and the blue tint of his lips.

“27, 28, 29, 30,” Benson counted. Fin gave two quick breaths. “One, two, three…” Benson began compressions again.

“Liv…” Fin said.

“No!”

“Liv…”

“Fin! Keep going!” she shouted.

 _“_ He’s gone Liv…He’s gone. He’s cold. His lips are blue.”

_It's true, I am dead. Fin wouldn't just say that._

“28, 29, 30,” she said, louder than before.

Benson checked his pulse. “Wake up, Rafael. Take a breath and open your eyes. Come on, it’s time to wake up,” she said, slapping his cheek lightly. Part of her believed that he would wake up simply because she ordered him to.

“Liv…He’s gone, it’s over,” Fin said.

Benson wiped tears from her eyes and sat up. She shook her head bitterly and looked from Fin to Munch and then at Barba's body, cold, pale, and lifeless on the floor.

“Keep going, don’t stop,” Munch pleaded. He crawled close and began compressions. Barba sat on his knees and watched Munch attempt to revive him.

"I'm dead John, I'm dead," Barba whispered.

“John,” said Benson. “John. He’s gone…He’s dead.”

“Oh god, no. He can’t be…” Munch cried.

“I’ll go meet the bus,” Fin said, touching Munch's shoulder gently as he got up.

"Do you want some time with him, John?" Benson asked.

"Please," Munch answered. Benson stood and walked out of the room, pacing the hall as she called Cragen, her hand moving back and forth from her forehead to her mouth.

He breathed into Barba’s mouth a few times in desperation. “Rafael, listen to me and open your eyes,” he said, as tears fell from his eyes. “Rafael, I know you’re still there, wake up.” Munch took a breath and sternly said, “Rafael,  that's enough. Wake up now. Come on.” He placed his lips around Barba’s and tried to breathe life into his small, troubled friend.

The cold and stillness of Barba's body finally registered with him. _"Baruch atta Adonai Eloheynu elech-ha-olam,dyan ha-emet,"_  Munch whispered into Barba's ear. He sat back and looked at the horrible bruises that still covered Barba's pale skin. Wiping tears from his eyes, Munch reached for the blanket. “Oh Rafael, you’re so cold. Here,” Munch said, as he covered his friend. "You didn't have to do this, Rafael." He lifted Barba, cradled him in his lap, and stroked his head. "You poor soul, those bruises are just the surface aren't they? You were hurting so badly. It was all just too much, wasn't it? It's ok, Rafael, I know it was too hard for you. I know," he said. Munch reached for the pillow and lowered Barba's head onto it.

“It's ok, Rafael. You’re safe now,” Munch spoke the same words to Barba now as he had when he tried to comfort him in the previous days. He bent down and stroked Barba’s hair. “I don’t know if you can hear me, Rafael, but you need to know that I love you, very much. You poor baby, I wish I could have helped you. No one will hurt you again, I promise.” Munch wiped a tear away. “I hope you’re in peace, Rafael, you deserve it.” Benson sobbed and turned away from the doorway as she overheard Munch’s words to Barba.

Barba kneeled on the floor next to Munch, listening to his kind words. He gazed from Munch, to his own body, bruised and broken on the floor, and back to Munch who was still stroking his forehead. He cupped his hands to Munch's ear. “John, you did help me. More than you’ll ever know. You stayed with me while I was suffering. You did your best. You couldn’t have fixed me, no one could have. Don’t feel bad, please.” Barba placed his hand on Munch’s shoulder and looked down at his body again.

Munch caressed Barba's face, he leaned over and placed a loving kiss on Barba’s cold forehead. "Rest well, little one," he said, to the sad little boy he had seen in Barba's eyes. "Rest well, Rafael," he whispered into his ear. He pulled the blanket up a little further up, tucking in his friend, but couldn’t bring himself to cover Barba's head.

“John,” Benson called. She kneeled down beside Munch and watched as he caressed Barba’s hair. “He was special, wasn’t he?”

“Yes, very. I don’t think he knew that though.”

“I know,” Benson sighed.

Munch stood and opened a window and knelt back down beside Barba. "There you go, Rafael. You can be free now," he whispered, as he stroked his forehead.

Benson gently covered Barba's head with the blanket and put her arm around Munch. “I’m so sorry, John.”

Munch sat on the bed in disbelief. Barba got up and sat beside him leaning into him and resting his head on his shoulder. "Thank you, John, for everything."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is sad.


End file.
